Chapter 4: Meditation Is Death and Resurrection
“It is because of these persuaders,” I told him, “that you are neither living nor dead. You are just half and half. You should either live or die; don’t do both things together. If you want to live, then give up the thought of suicide and begin to live fully. And if you want to die, then give up the thought of living and die wholly.”
The young man stayed with me for two or three days. And every day I told him; “Don’t think of living. If you have thought of dying for twenty years, it is better you die.”
The third day he said, “Why do you say that? Please don’t. I want to live.”
So I said, “It is not I who is asking you to die. It is you who said that for twenty years you have wanted to end your life.”
It is a matter worth considering. If a person thinks of suicide for twenty years but does not die, then obviously he is not living either. How can a person live who constantly thinks of dying?
We are half and half. And this habit of being half and half permeates our entire life. We are neither able to become a total friend to someone, nor a total enemy to someone else. We are not able to be anything totally. But the wonder is that it is much more joyful to be a total enemy than to be a half friend.
In reality, it is blissful to be anything totally, because whenever your total being is involved, all the latent energies of your body come together and cooperate with you. And whenever you are divided and split, you are in conflict and fight within yourself.
If the awakening of kundalini is impeded in its way, it simply means that on the one hand you want to awaken it, and on the other you are afraid of its awakening. You are going to the temple and at the same time you don’t have the courage to enter. You are doing both together. You are preparing for meditation and at the same time you don’t gather courage to jump into it. You want to swim in the river, you have reached the river bank, and yet you are standing on the edge of the bank thinking what to do. You want to swim and yet you don’t want to enter the water. It is as if you want to swim inside your living room, as if you want to make the movements with your hands and feet lying on a sofa and have the joy of swimming. No, you cannot enjoy swimming lying on a sofa in your living room. This is just stupid. The real joy of swimming is inseparably linked with danger.
If there is halfheartedness, it will obstruct the kundalini in many ways. That is why many friends will feel that things have come to a standstill.
If the kundalini comes to a standstill then remember only one thing - and don’t find excuses to justify it. We find all kinds of excuses: that past life karmas are coming in the way, that the stars are not favorable, that its time has not come. None of these things that you like to think of, are correct. Only one thing is correct: that you are not doing your best to awaken it. If there is any obstruction anywhere, then understand that you are not taking a full jump, and then jump with full force. Bring all your energy to it and let go of yourself totally. Then the kundalini will not be blocked at any of the centers.