Chapter 26: In Aloneness You Are Infinite
If sometimes you miss meditation, it is nothing to worry about; but if one meditation can be started, after three months you will start reaping tremendous experiences. It takes at least three months for something to settle in your being so that you start welling up from it. It is just like a seed: it takes time to lose itself in the earth, and then it sprouts. So for a few weeks meditation brings no results; it simply sinks in, mm? One should not look for results but simply enjoy it.
After three months you suddenly become aware that something is sprouting which you have never known in you. A new facet of your being, something, starts flowering - you can almost touch it.
And not only you will become aware, but others will notice, without you saying, that you have changed, that something has happened to you.
I’m feeling that I’m very false sometimes. And I also have this polarity between being alone and not knowing whether I’m lonely or trying to seek aloneness. All these are mixed together.
Start doing one thing, and that is - don’t try to change it. Be consciously false, exaggerate it. Unconsciousness is the only problem in life, and all other problems are just by-products of being unconscious. Consciousness is the only transformation, the only revolution. Nothing else is needed.
About your loneliness and aloneness, it is always very difficult to see the distinction because it is very subtle. But you can feel it. There are a few things(.
Firstly, if you are alone a tremendous happiness is around you. If you are lonely you are miserable, because loneliness means that you are missing the other. Aloneness means you are enjoying yourself, so it has a glow to it. Just being oneself is a tremendous delight. But when you are lonely you are depressed. Deep down you are still seeking and thinking of the other - friends, society, the club, somewhere to go, somewhere to get lost, be absorbed - so that you can forget yourself.
The taste is different. Loneliness is low energy, while aloneness is overflowing energy. Loneliness is something that you never want, it is as if you are a victim. But aloneness is something that you have desired, longed for - and now it is there. It is a deep achievement. Through it one can grow, but through loneliness one falls. Through loneliness one starts seeking others and uses them. Through aloneness, if it happens that others are around, one shares but never uses them. But these distinctions will come by and by.
First you have to watch whether you are feeling miserable or blissful. If it is misery, it is loneliness, so throw it. If it is aloneness, then close all the doors of the room and enjoy it. Dance, dance it. Let it be a profound experience of ecstasy. Or just sit silently as if you are the king of the whole world. Aloneness has to be cherished and nourished, and loneliness has to be avoided because it is like a disease, like a worm that goes on eating you from within.