Chapter 4: I Mean Business Here!
If the man demands surrender from your side, he does not love you. Don’t get entangled into such an unloving affair. He hates you, otherwise why should he demand surrender? He wants to possess you, he wants to reduce you to a thing. He wants to use you, exploit you. He thinks of you only as a body, as a mechanism. He does not respect you as a person, as a presence. This is humiliating, this is not love. Avoid it.
But surrender happens when there is love. And nobody demands, and nobody surrenders to the other - neither the man to the woman, nor the woman to the man. They both surrender to the god of love. They both surrender to this new opening in their being. And when both surrender to love there is beauty and there is freedom. You are not reduced to being a slave. In fact, only in love do you attain dignity, only in love do you attain to your grandeur, only in love is your splendor released. This is the indication of real love: that you become more than you were before, not less, and you are freer than you ever were.
Love gives freedom. That is the very taste of love. If it is missing, if it is anti-freedom, then avoid it as one avoids the plague. Don’t get into it: it is something else masquerading as love. But when love is there you will find surrender has already happened, it is simultaneous. The moment you feel love for somebody, the surrender has happened. That is what love is: not surrender - let me repeat again - to the other, but surrender to an unknown force that has taken possession of the two of you. But that is totally different from you and totally different from the other. You both have bowed down to an unknown energy. You become two pillars separate from each other, still supporting the same roof: you support something that is beyond you, above you, transcends you, but you remain separate.
Love makes you more of an individual. It does not efface your individuality. It gives you individuality, it gives you uniqueness. Love is very respectful.
You say, “I find it almost impossible to surrender to the male ego. Instead I become competitive, resistant or frightened.”
These are the ways of the ego. The other may have the ego, may not have the ego - I don’t know about the other, who is that other? - but one thing is certain: you have a very subtle ego. That ego becomes competitive. Ego is competitive, intrinsically competitive. The ego becomes resistant or frightened, and in the fear, in the resistance, in the struggle, in the competitiveness, love is destroyed.