Chapter 3: As Within, So Without
In India you have heard the word karma - the very cause of all bondage. A karma is a karma only if it is half-hearted - then it binds you. If it is total it never binds you, then there is no bondage for you. Any act lived totally is finished. You transcend it, you never look back. Any moment lived totally leaves no trace on you - you remain unscratched, untouched by it. Your memory remains clean, you don’t carry a psychological memory about it. There is no wound.
If you have loved a woman totally and she dies, there is no wound left. But if you have not loved her totally and she dies then she continues to live in the memory. Then you weep for her, you cry for her, because now you repent. There was time, there was opportunity when you could have loved her, but you could not love her. And now there is no opportunity; now she is there no more. Now there is no way to fulfill your love.
Nobody weeps and cries for somebody’s death - you cry and weep for the lost opportunity to love. Your mother dies. If you have loved her really, totally, then death is beautiful, there is nothing wrong in it. You go and say good-bye to her and you don’t carry any wound. You may be a little sad - naturally, she has occupied your heart for so long and now she will not be there - but that is just a passing mood. You don’t carry a wound, you don’t go on crying continuously, you don’t hang with the past. You did whatsoever you could - you loved her, you respected her - now it is finished. One understands the helplessness of life. You are also going to be finished one day. Death is natural; one accepts it.
If you cannot accept death that simply shows there has been a contradiction in your life. You loved and yet you were withholding yourself. Now that withholding creates the problem.
If you have enjoyed food, you forget all about it. Once you are finished, you are finished. You don’t go on thinking about it. But if you were eating and you were not eating totally, if you were thinking about a thousand and one other things and you were not at the dining table at all - you were just physically there but psychologically you were somewhere else - then you will think about food. Then food will become an obsession.
That’s how sex has become an obsession in the West. Making love to a woman or to a man you are somewhere else. It is not a total act, it is not orgasmic, you are not lost in it, so a greed arises. You try to satisfy that greed, that unfulfilled desire, in a thousand ways: pornography, blue movies, and fantasy, your private movie. You go on fantasizing about women. When a real woman is there and she is ready to love you, you are not there. And when the woman is not there, you have a woman in your fantasy.
This is a very sad state of affairs. When you are eating, you are not there and then you are thinking about food, fantasizing about it. This is happening because you are not total in your act, you are always divided. While making love you are thinking of brahmacharya, celibacy. Then while being a celibate you’re thinking of making love. You are never in tune, never in harmony.
And one goes on pretending that everything is okay so one never faces the problem.