Chapter 72: Start Living in Insecurity
But these are two different things, totally different. She was not ready to hear what he would say. She went on insisting, “Why did you leave me alone? You tell me that you never loved me, then everything is settled.” And Buddha said, “I did love you. I still love you. That is why I have come back after twelve years.” But this love is different: she was angry and Buddha was not angry. If he had also been angry because she was screaming and weeping and crying, she could have understood. If he had also been angry and had beaten her, she could have understood. Then everything would have been okay. He was the old man. The twelve years would have disappeared completely and they would have loved again. There was no problem. But he was standing silently and she was mad. Only she was mad, he was smiling. This was too much! What type of love is this? It must have been very hard for her to understand.
Just to taunt Buddha she told her son, who was not twelve years old, “This is your father, look at him, an escapist. You were just one day old when he escaped. This is your father. He is a beggar, and he gave birth to you. Now ask about the heritage. Spread your hands before him, he is your father. Ask him what he has to give to you.” She was taunting Buddha, she was angry, naturally. And Buddha called Anand who was standing outside and said, “Anand, come and bring my begging bowl.” When the begging bowl was given to Buddha, he gave it to his son, Rahul, and said, “This is my heritage. I initiate you into sannyas.” This was his love. But Yashodhara got more mad. She said, “What are you doing? If you love your son, you will not make him a beggar, a sannyasin.” Buddha said, “I make him a beggar because I love him. I know what real heritage is, and that I am giving to him. My father was not so wise, but I know what is worth giving and I am giving it.”
These are two different dimensions, two different languages, never meeting anywhere. He is loving. He must have loved his wife; that is why he came back. He must have loved his son; that is why he initiated him. But no father can understand this.
When Buddha’s father heard about this - he was an old man, ill - he came running out and he said, “What have you done? Are you bent on destroying my whole family? You escaped from the house, you were my only son. Now my hopes are on Rahul, he is your only son. And you have initiated him into sannyas. So my family is cut. Now there is no possibility for the future. What are you doing? Are you an enemy?”
And Buddha said, “Because I love my son, I give him what is worth giving. Neither your kingdom nor your family and its tree is significant. It will make no difference to the world whether this tree goes on growing further or not. But the phenomenon of sannyas that Rahul is initiated into is something significant. I also love my son.”
Two fathers talking.. Buddha’s father was again pleading to him, “You come back. I am your father. I am old. I am angry. You have disappointed me. But still I have a father’s heart and I will forgive you. Come, my doors are open. Come back. Throw this sannyas, come back, my doors are open. This kingdom is yours, I am waiting. I am very old but I have a deep love for you and I can forgive.” This is love.
Then there is the other father, Gautam Buddha himself, giving initiation to his son to leave the world. That too is love.
But both loves are so different that it is not good to call them by one name, one word - but we don’t have any other.