Chapter 7: Between Two Dreams
I have heard you say that we are afraid to come close to you, but how can we come close? Also, I assume that when you gave me a name I was pure noise and a crowd inside. Not so long ago I started to fully recognize at least five totally different people taking over inside at different times. One of them is like a defiant, rebellious, strong, raging, revengeful virgin Greek warrior-goddess; another is a very insecure, vulnerable, soft, loving, hurt little girl. There are others, but these are the extremes. How, amongst them, can I recognize the real me, the individual?
It is not only your situation, it is everybody’s situation. And five is not the number - you are a crowd, a multitude. You just have to look more closely, more deeply, and you will find many people within you. And they all pretend at times to be you. When you are angry, a certain personality possesses you and pretends that this is you. When you are loving, then another personality possesses you and pretends that this is you.
It is not only confusing to you, it is confusing to everybody who comes in contact with you because they cannot figure it out. They themselves are a crowd.
In each relationship there are not two persons getting married but two crowds getting married. There is going to be a great war continuously, because rarely will it be, just by accident, that your loving person is in charge and the other’s loving person is in charge. Otherwise you go on missing: you are loving, but the other is sad or angry or worried. And when he is in a loving state, you are not in the same. And there is no way to bring forth these personalities; they move on their own accord.
Gurdjieff has a story:
A master had a palace in the mountains and dozens of servants, and he told the servants that he was going for a pilgrimage: “It may take a year, it may take two years, it may take three years, or I may come back without completing the journey. I might come back from the middle, any day. So be ready every day as if I were coming back that day. The house has to be in the condition that I like. Don’t think, ‘Now it is three years before he will come so why bother? For three years enjoy the rest.’ I can come any day, and I may take three years or ten years or I may never come back. But as far as you are concerned, remember that I can come any day. All these possibilities are there.”