Chapter 3: The Fire of Awareness
So Mulla said, “I am not responsible for what has happened. I am not responsible. I am responsible only for starting, and it is you who told me to start it. I started to frighten the boy, then the boy was frightened, then you fainted, then I was frightened, and then everything was a mess.” Everything is a mess in our life also.
This conscious starting and this unconscious taking it over every time, if you don’t feel it, if you don’t realize it, this mechanism, you will always be a slave. And the slavery becomes more convenient if you go on thinking that you are the master. It is difficult to be a slave knowing that you are a slave. It is easy to be a slave when you go on deceiving yourself that you are the master. Your love, your anger, your greed, your jealousy, your violence, your cruelty, even your sympathy, your compassion - I say “your” - are yours only in the beginning, just for a moment, just a spark. Then your mechanism is started. And your whole mechanism is unconscious.
Why is this so? Why this conflict between the conscious and the unconscious? And there is a conflict, because you cannot predict even yourself. Even you, your acts, are unpredictable to you, because you don’t know what is going to happen, you don’t know what you are going to do. The next moment what you will do even you are not aware of, because the doer is deep in darkness. You are not the doer. You are only a starting point. Unless your whole mechanism becomes conscious, you will be a problem to yourself, and a hell, and nothing but a long misery.
Only in two ways, as I have been emphasizing every day, can one become whole. Either lose this fragmentary consciousness, throw this fragment of the mind which has become conscious into the dark unconscious, dissolve it, and you are whole.. But then you are just like an animal, and that is impossible. Whatsoever you may do, it is not possible. It is only conceivable, but not possible. You will be thrown forward again and again.
That small part which has become conscious cannot now become unconscious. It is just like an egg which has become a hen: now the hen cannot move back to be an egg again. A seed which has sprouted, has begun the journey to be a tree, now cannot go back and regress and become a seed. The child which has come out of the womb of his mother now cannot go back, howsoever pleasant the womb may be, but there is no backward-going.
Life moves always in the future, never in the past. Only man can think of the past. That’s why I say it is conceivable, but it cannot be actualized. You can imagine, you can think to go back, you can believe, you can try to go back, but you cannot go. That is an impossibility.