Chapter 19: You Cannot Avoid What You Are
Dolma, I know what is missing in you and that is a trust, and you have not been able to get rid of your guilt that you are carrying within yourself. I have been asked if Dolma should be allowed in the commune or not - because you were part of that company who destroyed the commune in America. But I could not say that you should be stopped from entering the commune.
It would have been tremendously helpful if you had revealed in what ways you participated in destructive things, because you were very intimately part of the gang - but you are hiding all that. That is making you hollow; otherwise, in this place, nobody is hollow, and everybody who goes in does not find emptiness, but finds nothingness which is totally different from emptiness.
Emptiness is something sad. Nothingness is another name of fullness; it is overflowing. You don’t find love arising because the guilt is heavy. It is still time: if you confess everything that you have done, you will be relieved of it.
Just a few days ago, Patipada was here and she wrote asking to be in the commune. I asked her first for an apology, because she was also like you, although not that deep in the destructiveness. She replied, “I don’t feel that I have done anything wrong, and I don’t feel like apologizing.”
I said, “Then it is up to you, but you cannot be part - it is better you leave.”
After two months she came again and with tears wrote a letter saying, “I am very sorry. I know I have done wrong things and I know I have been part of many things which culminated in helping the government to destroy the commune. I was wrong to say that I have nothing to be sorry for. I am sorry and I ask for forgiveness.”
I said, “If it is coming from your deepest heart - not just a political, diplomatic strategy - then you will find your home again amongst my people. I will not prevent you. I will give you another chance.”
But I was hoping Dolma would express by herself her guilt and her apology - but she has not done that. She is here but she cannot be part because of that guilty feeling, “I have misbehaved, I have misused the trust and love and compassion.” She will find herself alone in the thousands of people who are here, surrounded by a wall of her own guilt.
If she wants to be free, she has to confess it and the confession has not to be diplomatic. If it is diplomatic, it is not going to help. If it is authentic, it will immediately transform your sadness into laughter, your aloneness into a meaningful meeting and merging in the commune.
You have not even asked the real thing in your question. It is very strange: people have problems, but they ask something else; they don’t expose themselves. You are asking about meditation as if you are a meditator. And you are saying, “The more empty I get inside,” and I know you have never been inside.
If even for once you have been inside, your first realization would have been that you owe something to the commune - an apology at least.