Chapter 4: Truth Is Not a Goal
Buddha is orgasmic. But you have to learn orgasm from the physical; you have to go from ABC. There are people who want to jump to XYZ - and they don’t know anything about ABC, they have not yet learned even how to live in the body in the world, and they want to live in heaven. They will not be able to live there, it will be impossible. Just think of yourself; if you were by accident welcomed into heaven, what would you do there? - You would be as miserable as you are here - maybe more miserable, because there life would be more thrilling. There would be more exploration, more love, more intensity in everything. There would be more passion - what would you do there? You have not even been able to live on this earth, which knows passion, which knows love, which knows joy, but in moderate quantities. In heaven there are no limits; heaven knows no moderation - it is excess, it is ecstasy.
Start learning how to be unconditional. People miss much for small conditions; just a small thing can destroy their whole joy - and they don’t even see the proportion of it. A man has just said something to you, it hurts.and the man has always been beautiful and you have loved him - but he has just uttered a word, and it hurts, and the friendship is broken. You don’t know the joy of friendship, otherwise you would not have broken it for such a small thing - for trivia. You have been living with your wife beautifully, and for just a small thing, just a small negativity from her, bridges are broken and you start thinking of divorce.
Petty things, meaningless things, go on destroying, and because you can’t live, naturally you are afraid of life.
You say: “Why do I seem to feel more afraid of life than of death?”
There is one thing more: life requires more than death will ever require, life requires a willing surrender. Death does not care for you; it simply comes, without even any notification. It simply comes and takes you away; it drags you, you are not asked, your cooperation is not asked. Death pays no respect to you, and gives not even a single moment to prepare. It happens. Life is more respectful towards you: it gives you time, it gives you freedom to choose; it gives you opportunities to cooperate or not to cooperate, hence the fear.
The fear of life is really fear of your own self; you yourself know that you are going to miss. Knowing yourself the way you are, your fear is perfectly on track. It says the way you are, you are going to miss. Life will bring a challenge and you will shrink.
Just a few days earlier, a young man came to me from the West. I was looking into his head and into his heart - his heart was ready for sannyas but his head was not ready. Now I was really confused by him - what to do? Should I give him sannyas? His heart was saying yes; a great pulsation in the heart, the heart was simply crying for it. And the head went on saying no. It is as if you are on a crossroad, and the red and the green lights both go on. It is very difficult to decide whether to pass or not - one light says one thing, the other light says just the opposite.
I tried to persuade him, I tried to seduce him towards his heart. But the more I tried, the more he became stubborn - the more the head became stubborn. The heart was joyous. When I was trying to persuade him to take the jump, the heart was taking such leaps of joy. The heart was becoming a big flame, it was almost tangible. Anybody who has eyes could have seen it - the heart was aflame. But the head was becoming darker and darker.