Chapter 19: Guilt, the Shadow of the Ego
Then you will see that this anger has nothing to do with me, with Laxmi or with anybody else. You are really unsatisfied with yourself. You are not happy with yourself. You are missing something - and you go on throwing the responsibility on somebody else, as if someone is barring the path. You are missing - no one is hindering you. Nobody can hinder anyone; that’s impossible. But this is very defeating, and makes one very depressed and desperate if you feel that it is you who alone is responsible for it. In the first place you are unhappy, but then to feel that only you are responsible becomes double heavy - at least share the weight; you are unhappy and somebody else is responsible..
This is a trick of the mind - but it is not going to help. You will have to take one hundred percent responsibility, because that is how it is. And whenever you accept one hundred percent responsibility, you become free, and then there is no bondage in this world.
In fact, anger is a bondage. I am not angry with you because I am not in a bondage. I have not been angry with anybody for years because I don’t make anybody responsible. I am free, so why should I be angry? If I want to be sad, it is my freedom. If I want to be happy, it is my freedom. Freedom cannot be afraid, freedom cannot be angry. Once you know that you are your world, you have penetrated into a different kind of understanding. Then nothing else matters - all else are games and excuses.
This time remain with it and suffer it. This suffering will be very very purifying.it will be a cleansing of the heart. Soon you will realize that you are playing a game of being unhappy. If you want to, that’s perfectly okay; it’s nobody else’s business. If you are happy playing the game of being unhappy, be happy that way. Let it be your way.
But if you decide that when one has to play, and the decision is one’s own, then why not play the game of being happy? If one has to play a game, then better play a game of being happy. If one has to play the game, play the game of being enlightened rather than ignorant - that’s what I’m doing. Mm? Why be a disciple? [chuckle] When there is a choice, be a master! [she smiles] Good, laugh a little!
Since I arrived a week ago I’ve been feeling very negative, very unhappy. I’ve also been ill almost constantly. I didn’t do the group you told me to do as I was too ill. But I’ve also been feeling a lot of sort of hatred towards you - and I don’t know why. When I left England I was very happy, happier than I’ve ever been in my life. And then I felt like I’d lost everything. I felt very disillusioned and very sad. Now I feel a lot better and more positive.
It happens because first you create illusions in your mind, and then disillusion follows. First you create an imaginary world, a fantasy. That fantasy has to be destroyed.
Your positivity was false; it led you to a very extreme negativity. One moves from one extreme to another, but now the pendulum is settling, so don’t be worried. If you love too much, you will hate too much. One should be a little moderate; a balanced attitude is needed.