Chapter 8: Don’t Search for a Home, Search for Yourself
I am not frustrated - I have not even looked back for a single moment. Those were beautiful years, we lived beautifully, and it is the nature of existence: things change. What can we do? So we are trying to make something else - that will also change. Nothing is permanent here. Except change, everything changes.
So I don’t have any complaint. I have not felt even for a single moment that something has gone wrong.because here everything has gone wrong, but to me nothing has gone wrong. It is just that we tried to make beautiful palaces out of playing cards. You were just finishing and a breeze comes in without knowing that you were making palaces out of playing cards, and those palaces are scattered all around.
Perhaps except for me everybody is frustrated. And they feel angry at me too because I am not frustrated, I am not with them. That makes them even more angry. If I was also angry, and I was also complaining, and I was also tremendously disturbed, they would have felt a consolation. But I am not.
We enjoyed whatever we were doing, and we will be enjoying whatever we will be doing - and things will go on changing always. If this remembrance is always there as a lighthouse, then it will never make you feel in such a state that a difficult time, an uncertain time has brought the worst. We had never planted the seeds for it in the first place.
That’s why I am amongst you, but still something of me remains a stranger, an outsider. For the simple reason that I look at things in a totally different way; to me it is all acceptable.
Now it is going to be difficult to make another dream come true because many of those who worked to make one dream come true will be in a state of defeatism. They are defeated. They will feel that reality or existence does not care about innocent people who were not doing any harm, who were simply trying to make something beautiful. Even with them existence goes on following the same rule - it makes no exceptions.
So many sannyasins will be in a state of defeatism, will find it very difficult to make another effort again. They will feel, “What is the point? We will put in our energy, our expectations, our hopes, and who knows? - tomorrow everything is destroyed just by any small thing.” They will feel it is better not to hope, it is better not to dream. It is better to get lost in ordinary life where people don’t dream, where people don’t hope, where people don’t create, where people go on living a day-to-day life.
In that life you don’t come across such frustrations. Such frustrations come only when you try to reach the moon. And when you have almost reached, suddenly the moon disappears and you are further away from it than you have ever been: further away than before you had started the journey.