Chapter 7: Be an Emperor
“Okay,” says the priest impatiently. “We will change places. I will kneel there and you sit in my place and we will check this thing out.”
So MacDilly sits down and asks, “Who is screwing the young priest who just arrived?”
“Funny,” says O’Reilly jumping up. “You are right, I cannot hear either.”
Paddy and Sean are driving home to Dublin from an Irish wine-tasting festival and have tasted a little too much.
“Paddy, are we near the city yet?” asks Sean.
“Yes,” says Paddy, “we must be. We are knocking down more people.”
“Drive slower then,” cries Sean.
“What do you mean, drive slower?” says Paddy. “You are driving!”
Archibald, the budding young artist, gets up from the couch where he has been making love to his model and starts dressing.
“I will bet you do that to all your models,” says the girl breathlessly.
“No,” replies Archie, “you are the first.”
“Really?” asks the girl. “And how many models have you had?”
“Just four,” replies Archie, “a lemon, a potato, a banana and you.”
The ship is sinking fast and the captain calls the last three members of his crew to the bridge.
“Men,” says the captain, “this thing about the captain going down with his ship is all rubbish. There is a three-man life raft here and I am going to be on it. So that means one of you will have to stay behind. To see who will come with me, I will ask you each a question. Whoever cannot answer will remain behind, okay?”
“Here is the first question: What unsinkable ship hit an iceberg and sank?”
“The Titanic, Sir,” answers the first man.
“Right,” says the captain.
“How many people drowned?”
“One thousand five hundred and two, Sir,” replies the second sailor.
“Right,” says the captain calmly.
He turns to the third man. “And now the third question,” he says, “What were their names?”
Now, Nivedano, give the first drum and everybody goes into gibberish.