Chapter 8: Utterly Luminous
The first question:
I give up. I’m reaching nowhere. I came here full of hope and joy, but I now realize that it is all meaningless. Before, you touched me to tears, but they were tears of ecstasy, relief, the ones that flow when one listens to beautiful music. Now, even my love for you hurts. My tears give no relief. I cannot get in touch with my inner core. I cannot separate my ego from my real self, and even while I write to you, doubts come up as to whether this is self pity or I am on a mind trip. Do I want your attention?
There is nowhere to go, nowhere to reach.
Because you have come with an expectation, you are creating your misery. Your expectation is the cause of your frustration. It is always so: expect, and you create a hell around yourself. The seeds of expectation, sooner or later, bring a whole jungle of misery around you.
You say: “I give up.”
If you really mean it then the work is done. If you are not just saying it then you have arrived home. It is in giving up that one comes home, but it has to be an existential giving up. You are writing it, you are saying it, but you don’t mean it, because if you really mean it then there would be no need to be in such grief and pain. If you have given up then from where can misery come to you? The very root is cut.
To give up is to be a sannyasin. To give up is the most fundamental thing that can ever happen to you. It simply means that now there is no more desiring, no more dreaming. “I am finished with it, I have seen through and through, and it is all meaningless.” Because you are not ready yet to accept the meaninglessness of your desires and dreams, you are in a self-torture manufactured by your own mind.
You say: “I came here full of hope..”
Whosoever comes here with hope is bound to feel hopeless sooner or later. Hope cannot lead you anywhere else. Hope is already moving towards hopelessness. Hope is like a small river moving to the ocean of hopelessness. It will reach to the ocean sooner or later.
Yes, when you are far away from me you can hope. You can go on dreaming, you can fantasize - beautiful dreams, occult fantasies, esoteric nonsense - because you are totally free. But when you come close to me it becomes more and more impossible to dream, because the whole work is against dreaming.