Chapter 11: Free and Alive
The first person to speak tonight had previously told Osho he had powerful experiences of death in his meditation. Osho had suggested he do the humming meditation.
I am having problems with the humming meditation. I feel morose. I don’t feel happy. I used to feel happy before, but now I’m just going into my shell. I don’t feel like doing anything.
It happens.. If you have ordinarily been happy and outgoing and enjoying things, it simply means that you have been repressing the other side.
People who laugh go on repressing tears. In fact they laugh so that nobody should become aware of their tears - their laughter is a defense. They are afraid of the tears. So they go on laughing and enjoying, but they remain on the surface. Then they meditate, and whatsoever has been repressed, bubbles up, surfaces. Then one starts feeling morose, sad. But it is a good sign; it simply shows that the other side of your being has been entered.
One has to understand that life is both. The person who is really free and alive, is free to move from one polarity to another. He is not fixed in one pattern; he is neither happy nor unhappy. If he becomes happy, he is happy; if he becomes unhappy, he is really unhappy. If he is loving, he is really loving; if he becomes angry, he is really angry - he lives both the polarities. You can rely on his anger and on his love and on his sadness. He is not inauthentic, he is true.
Your happiness was not true - you were managing it, manipulating it. If it were true, meditation would deepen it, because meditation deepens whatsoever is true. Your real situation inside was morose - but you had been wearing a face, a mask. We all learn how to be happy and to go on laughing and joking; that’s how the whole society goes on, a merry-go-round. But everybody is carrying a deep dark night within them, and nobody is even aware of it.
When you enter a meditative state you will first enter this dark night of the soul. If you can pass through it - and there is no difficulty in passing through it - then for the first time you will become aware that your happiness was not true. False happiness will go and real sadness will come, and only after real sadness will real happiness surface. Then you will know that the false happiness was even worse than the real sadness, because at least in that sadness there is a reality. If you are sad - but truly and sincerely sad - that sadness will enrich you.
It gives you a depth, an insight. It makes you aware of life and its infinite possibilities and the limitedness of the human mind, the smallness of human consciousness encountering the infinity all around; the fragile life always surrounded by death. When you are really sad you become aware of all these things. You become aware that life is not just life.it is death too.