Chapter 8: A More Human Technology
Is it possible to be married and to be free at the same time?
It is difficult but not impossible. Just a little understanding is needed.
A few basic truths have to be recognized. One is that nobody is born for another. The second is that nobody is here to fulfill your ideals of how he should be. The third is that you are master of your own love, and you can give as much as you want - but you cannot demand love from the other person, because nobody is a slave.
If these simple facts are understood, then it does not matter whether you are married or unmarried, you can be together - allowing space to each other, never interfering in each other’s individuality.
In fact, marriage is an out-of-date institution.
In the first place, to live in any institution is not good. Any institution is destructive. Marriage has destroyed almost all possibilities of happiness for millions of people - and all for useless things. In the first place, marriage, the very ritual of marriage, is bogus.
I used to work in a university. One of my colleagues, a professor of psychology, was continuously tortured by his wife. It is very difficult to find a couple who are not tortured; and strangely enough, the wife tortures the man. It has a long history behind it - because man has reduced the woman to a slave, she is taking every opportunity to take revenge. It is all unconscious.
That woman was really a monster - she used to beat the poor fellow. One day he came to me and he said, “You are the only person whom I can tell and trust that you will not say anything to anybody else.”
I said, “I promise.”
He said, “My wife beats me.”
I said, “This is not a secret!”
In some way or other, every wife beats the husband. It may not be physical, but to beat psychologically is more dangerous and more harmful.
But the woman cannot be held responsible for it; for centuries she has been tortured, killed, beaten, buried alive - and all that has accumulated in her unconscious. The nearest man is the husband, so any excuse and she starts creating trouble. The husbands don’t want the neighbors to know; and wives know the weakness, so screaming is one of their methods - throwing things, shouting - so the whole neighborhood knows. And the husband has to compromise immediately, because it is a question of his respectability.
So I told the professor, “Don’t you be worried - they all come to me and say the same thing. The moment somebody says, ‘Please don’t tell it to anybody,’ I know what the secret is. I can tell even before they have told me.”