Chapter 18: Totality: The Foundation of Freedom
Here again, I find myself in the distress of a relationship finishing. It’s still the same pattern. I feel that I cannot deal with it any differently than before. Is there no other way than playing the record again and again and again and just watching it? Each time, I think, “With awareness it will be different this time.” but no - the anger, the distress, the hurt, the aloneness, and also the understanding that love comes and fades away. I also am doubting that these moments of love were real. But when those moments of love and connecting are there, they do feel real.
Life is a vicious circle. One things lead to another thing until the circle is complete.
To go on moving in a circle is boring, is monotonous, is heavy on the heart. It destroys all playfulness, it destroys weightlessness; it takes away the charm, the magnetic pull towards life.
You go again and again in the same routine, in the same circle, unwillingly. You do not want to repeat; nobody wants to repeat. Repetition is the function of a machine.
Wherever there is a consciousness, there is a revolt against mechanical repetition.
So I can understand your tragedy. Moreover, it is the tragedy of millions of human beings. They are all caught in a circle and then they don’t know how to jump out of it.
The problem can be reduced to very simple terms: You find it difficult to jump out of the routine because you have some vested interest in the routine. If it were a hundred percent boring, a hundred percent nothing but a nightmare, you would have jumped out of it without asking anybody.
You don’t need a map, you don’t need a guide - all you need is totality in whatever life you are living.
Totality is the foundation of freedom.
Whenever you live something totally, either it is nourishing to your being - then you start absorbing it; it is no longer routine, it becomes your love affair - or you find that it is nothing but complete boredom.
To see something as a hundred percent boredom and to ask how to come out of it is just stupid. It is as if your house is on fire and you are asking people from the window, “How to come out?” Just jump out of the window!
When the house is on fire, there is no question of manners, that you have to go from the right door, that you cannot go from the back door, that you cannot jump from the window. All those manners are good when the house is not on fire. Your houses are on fire, and you go on asking how to get out of it.
Nobody is holding you in. There must be some subtle investments which are forbidding you from coming out of a life that you don’t like, that you don’t love, that you don’t rejoice in. Perhaps to be miserable helps you to get sympathy from people - from your wife, from your children, from your parents, from your friends. And because you have not known love, even sympathy is more than you can hope for.