Chapter 3: In the Search Is the Ego
I have told you a beautiful story about Rabindranath Tagore. In one of his poems he has the same glimpse that is expressed in your question.
In the poem he says, “I have been searching for God for many, many lives. Sometimes I saw him near a faraway star, and I was immensely happy that although the star was far away, it was not impossible to reach. And I started moving there, but by the time I reached the star God had moved to some other place. But he was visible - so far away, but inviting, creating hope. And I went on running around the universe for many, many lives.
“One day it happened, I came to the house of God. I could not believe that I had arrived. It was such a shock, but still I stepped towards the door. As I was going to knock on the door my hand suddenly froze. A thought arose in me: Just wait a minute and think it over. It is written outside the door, ‘This is the house of God.’ If by chance it turns out to be really the house of God then you are finished. What are you going to do then?
“For millions of years your training has been only for searching. You are perfectly disciplined as a seeker, but finding? That is absolutely new; you are not acquainted with it. And moreover, a finding of the ultimate, the absolute God, beyond which there is nothing to search.. What will you do then? What will you be? And it is going to be forever - an eternal situation of a full stop.”
He took his shoes in his hands. He was afraid that as he goes back down the steps, if God hears some noise outside and opens the door.. And then he ran away, not looking back.
The poem is beautiful because it says, “I am again searching him. I know him, his house; I go on avoiding it. I go in every direction, but I keep myself far away from the house where he is, because I know that meeting him is going to be my disappearance.”
Enlightenment is nothing but your disappearance. It is nothing but a pure silence. Naturally one feels afraid and one starts thinking, “It is better to remain unenlightened and searching for it.” The story that I told you from Rabindranath’s poem is your story. It is everybody’s story. That’s why I say, you are enlightened, but you don’t want to recognize it. You want to find some way so that you can start searching for enlightenment again.
In the search is the mind.
In the search is the ego.