Chapter 9: The Real Miracles
Just the other day somebody asked a question: “What does bhagwan mean?” It means this experience of interdependence. It means this experience of infinite mutuality. It means this oneness with the whole. It means, “I am no longer separate.” And if I am no longer separate, I am not - because I can be only when I am separate. There is no way to be, without being separate.
Hence, on one hand the ego creates separation, on the other hand it creates anxiety, fear - fear of death. The fear of death comes out of the ego, otherwise there is no death, there has never been death. Death exists not. If I am one with the whole, then how can death exist? The whole has never died, the whole has always been there and the whole is going to remain there always.
The ocean never dies. Only ripples and waves come and go. Once the wave thinks, “I am separate from the ocean,” then it will have great anxiety. Then death is coming - sooner or later. It is on the way; it is coming. And the fear, and the anxiety.. But if the wave knows, “I am not separate, how can I die? To die you have to be separate. If I am one with the ocean, whether I am like a wave or not like a wave does not matter. That which exists in me is the ocean. It has been there before me, it will be after I am gone. In fact, I never came and I never went, it was just a manifestation of the universe” - then death disappears and birth disappears. Otherwise the ego creates the fear that “I am going to die” and there is a constant trembling in the heart.
You can never be at ease with the ego. Your anguish is your ego and nothing else. Bhagwan does not mean the English word God - which has become very dirty with wrong associations - bhagwan means the experience of oneness, the experience that “there is no wall between me and the whole,” that “I don’t have a boundary,” that “I am not and the whole is.” If you feel the boundary you are limited, small. Then your limitation gives pain, hurts - so limited, so small. Then you want to become big.
Just see the mechanism of the ego. First the ego makes you feel small; it creates a sort of inferiority that “I am so tiny against such a big world, I have to be big - big in money, big in power. I have to be the president or the prime minister or the richest man of the world, or I have to become Alexander the Great, or something.” Because the ego makes you feel limited, and nobody likes limitation. Then the desire to become bigger arises. And you go on becoming big, but the bigger you become the more egoistic you become - because you carry the ego.
See the absurdity of it. The bigger you become the more egoistic you become - you start thinking, “Now I am somebody.” And the more egoistic you become, the smaller you feel. It looks paradoxical: the bigger you become, the smaller you feel. And again and again the desire arises to become big. With the ego nobody can become big. It is impossible.
Only by dropping the ego does one suddenly become big - not big, one really becomes infinite, because then you don’t have any boundaries. Then if there are any boundaries to existence those are your boundaries - and there are none. Existence is unbounded. It has no possibility of ending anywhere, neither in time nor in space. In both dimensions it is infinite, it is infinitely infinite.