Chapter 13: A Listening Heart
In evening darshan sometimes I call a few sannyasins to help me transfer energy to somebody. I have been calling Pradeepa many times, but each time I call her, afterwards I feel nauseous. I was puzzled. What is happening? She is such a beautiful woman, with great love for me. That’s why I call her to help me. But it has been happening each time. Just the last time I felt it so much that I had to look into it, into the whole matter of it. Then I saw the point. She must be eating non-vegetarian food - meat, eggs and other things. That is making her breath ugly, that is making her whole inner harmony disturbed. That’s why she cannot fall in tune with me. And if she cannot fall in tune, it creates a disturbance. She loves me but her love is still unconscious. If she becomes a little more conscious she will see it; she will see that to be with me you will have to change many things in you.
To be with me and to move deeper with me, to have a heart-to-heart contact, you will have to drop the unnecessary luggage that you carry. Now there is no need to be a non-vegetarian - it is not for a meditator; otherwise you are creating unnecessary hindrances. It will disturb your softness, it will create a kind of cruelty in you. You may not be aware of it because you are not aware at all, but when you come to me I am just a mirror.
Now Pradeepa must be creating a great nauseousness in her own being. She may have become accustomed to it, so she is not aware. But again and again I was feeling nauseous, because when you relate to me with energy it is not one-way: my energy moves into you, your energy moves into me. It can’t be one-way. A circle is created, circulation starts happening. This is just an example. And this is not only for Pradeepa, it is for you all.
If you want to be more and more deeply in tune with me, if you want to share the Tao that has happened to me, you will have to be more conscious, more alert to what you are doing, what you are eating, what you are reading, what you are listening to, where you are going, with whom you are mixing. It has to be a total effort. It has to be a twenty-four-hour awareness, because small things gather together and their impact is great.
If you have been angry with somebody and you have been fighting with somebody and then you come to see me, naturally you will be far away from me. That’s why Jesus says if you go to the temple to pray and you remember that you have hurt somebody, insulted somebody, that you are angry at somebody or if you have angered somebody, first go and ask to be forgiven, only then come to pray; otherwise you will not be able to relate with God. First go and apologize. First clear things.
When Michelangelo was working in the Sistine Chapel, he was making a painting of Jesus. The painting was almost complete - just the last finishing touches - but he was finding those last finishing touches very difficult. Jesus was not coming out Jesus-like; something was missing in Jesus’ face - that softness, that feminineness was not there, that love quality was not there. He tried and tried for days, and then he remembered that he had quarreled with a friend and he was carrying it in himself. And then he remembered the saying of Jesus, that if you go to pray and you are not feeling good about a friend or a brother, then first go and ask forgiveness.