First a man has to become alive, and then a man has to become a witness. Only when you are alive can you become a witness. How can you become a witness when things are dead? Of what will you become a witness? There is nothing – just an emptiness, an impotence surrounds you, nothing worthwhile.
Now your anger will be alive, fiery, and your love will be intense, will have a romance in it. Everything will be at the peak, and nothing will be lukewarm. So first you will be as if thrown in a chaos; enjoy it, enjoy the chaos.
All your structured life will disappear. The patterns won’t be able to contain you, you will become bigger and bigger. You will find yourself more and more naked because your clothes won’t fit, and you will be growing so fast that you cannot manage to change your clothes.
A real man is always naked – naked in the sense that by the time the clothes are ready he has grown. But if you dare, soon you will find that only nakedness is beautiful because we hide that which we know or feel is ugly; we hide the ugly. So thrown into the chaos, the next possibility opens. You have become alive like an animal, and only by becoming alive like an animal the door opens to become an angel, to become divine.
To become divine, one has to pass through animality. Nobody else will say this to you. They have been teaching that you have to kill your animal – then you become “God.” But that god is dead, that god will stink of death. Go into your churches – you will find death, not the divine.
First become alive like an animal – chaotic with tremendous possibilities exploding, a volcano in action. Then, by and by you will see that you are rising higher than your moods: you are rising higher than your hate, you are rising higher than your love. Life is so powerful, and once it is alive it goes on and on, higher and higher, and nothing can contain it.
In fact skies are not big enough to contain a single man. If he really rises higher and higher there is no limit to it. There are climaxes and climaxes, but no climax. . . peaks and peaks, but no final peak. So allow it and enjoy it. There may be many troubles, many anxieties – they too have to be accepted. And don’t go back; don’t try to hide again in the old structures.
Be angry, and suffer; love and suffer; hate and suffer. If you remain alive, soon the witnessing self arises.
So the first effort of meditation is to make you alive, and the second effort is to make you a witness. Then you can be thrown on your own. You have become a star on your own.
The group was a nightmare and a torture.