That was enough to keep that old man silent. What to do? He was in a difficulty because he could not argue, and he knew that he would be held responsible, not she, because my father would ask him, “What have you done?” And actually that would have been the case, but fortunately he died before my father could ask.
But my father continuously was saying, “That old man is responsible, he has spoiled the child.” But now I was strong enough, and I made it clear to him: “Before me, never say a single word against my maternal grandfather. He has saved me from being spoiled by you – that is your real anger. But you have other children – spoil them. And at the final stage you will say who is spoiled.”
He had other children, and more and more children went on coming. I used to tease him, “You please bring one child more, make it a dozen. Eleven children? People ask, “How many children?” Eleven does not look right; one dozen is more impressive.”
And in later years I used to tell him, “You go on spoiling all your children; I am wild, and I will remain wild.”
What you see as innocence is nothing but wildness. What you see as clarity is nothing but wildness. Somehow I remained out of the grip of civilization.
And once I was strong enough…. And that’s why these people – Miss Judith Martin, and their kind – insist, “Take hold of the child as quickly as possible, don’t waste time because the earlier you take hold of the child, the easier it is. Once the child becomes strong enough, then to bend him according to your desires will be difficult.”
And life has seven-year circles. By the seventh year the child is perfectly strong; now you cannot do anything. Now he knows where to go, what to do. He is capable of arguing. He is capable of seeing what is right and what is wrong. And his clarity will be at the climax when he is seven. If you don’t disturb his earlier years, then at the seventh he is so crystal clear about everything that his whole life will be lived without any repentance.
I have lived without any repentance. I have tried to find: Have I done anything wrong, ever? Not that people have been thinking that all that I have done is right, that is not the point: I have never thought anything that I have done was wrong. The whole world may think it was wrong, but to me there is absolute certainty that it was right; it was the right thing to do.
So there is no question of repenting about the past. And when you don’t have to repent about the past you are free from it. The past keeps you entangled like an octopus because you go on feeling, “That thing I should not have done,” or, “That thing which I was supposed to do and did not do….” All those things go on pulling you backwards.
I don’t see anything behind me, no past.
If I say something about my past, it is simply factual memory, it has no psychological involvement. I am telling you as if I am telling you about somebody else. It is just factual; it has nothing to do with my personal involvement. It might have occurred to somebody else, it might have happened to somebody else.
So remember, a factual memory is not enslaving. Psychological memory is, and psychological memory is made up of things that you think, or you have been conditioned to think, were wrong and you did them. Then there is a wound, a psychological wound. Things that were “right” and you have not done are another wound.
If you count your wounds you will be surprised how many things there are which you have done against the conscience that has been created in you by the society, and how many things you have not done – again which the conscience wanted you to do. And you are in a fix; between these two things you are caught. Your clarity is lost because of this psychological smoke which goes on deepening, thickening. Your clarity is lost; you become almost a blind man.
That’s why I say my kind of work is a very strange work; it is just like selling glasses in a city of blind people. First it is very difficult to convince them to purchase glasses. In the second place if they somehow – just to get rid of you – purchase glasses then they start torturing you because they say they cannot see through the glasses. They are blind, glasses won’t help them.
But what else can be said to you? If it is so difficult to convince you to wear glasses, you can understand how difficult it will be to make you agree to eye surgery – because in the first place you are not ready to believe that you are blind. Who says you are blind? But except surgery nothing can help. You have gone too far into blindness. You have lost your innocence and clarity too far back. To regain it, except for surgical methods nothing else can be of any help.
My sannyas is surgical. It cuts your very roots, which are making you blind. It cuts your relationship with tradition, convention, orthodoxy, society, civilization, culture. It makes you wild again. It brings you to the point from where your parents and your society and your culture started diverting you. My work just consists in taking away all that which has been given to you by others – with all the good intentions in the world but they were all blind people; their good intentions don’t make any sense. They were blind; with their good intentions they have made you blind.
All that has to be taken away. It will look almost like a death, because right now you think you are nothing but the combination of all that has been given to you: the education, the culture, the civilization, the religion. All that has to be completely cut off. And then you will find your small, still voice within you: the child will again speak.
To become a child again is to be a sannyasin – and then to start living. Now nobody can disturb you; you are a strong enough. If you can find your child, you can protect the child. That child is yourself. That’s what you had brought from existence. And once you have recovered it, reclaimed it, you are the blessed one. There is nothing more valuable than that.
With that rediscovery you start living a new life. I call that the life of the rebel but basically it is life – very innocent, clear, individual, independent. You will not become world famous, you will not become great conquerors, but you will become exactly what you need to become: your own being. This is religion to me; everything else is pseudo. Destroy all pseudo-ness in you.
It is risky. That’s why I say the life of a sannyasin is the most dangerous life in the world, but the most exciting too. And anything that does not lead ultimately to ecstasy is not worth calling exciting.