“Well,” says one of the crowd, “he was until we turned his head around the right way.”
On her wedding night, Tessa, the anxious bride, turns to her husband: “Charles,” she says, “promise me you will be gentle. I want you to know that this is my first time.”
“What?” exclaims Charles, “your first time? But you have already been married three times!”
“I know,” replies Tessa, “but my first husband was a drunk, the second turned out to be gay, and my third husband was in advertising.”
“I can understand the first two,” says Charles, “but why didn’t your third husband ever make love with you?”
(The rain has begun now, drumming insistently on the roof.)
The storm has come back!
…replies Tessa, “all he ever did was sit on the bed and tell me how great it was going to be!”
Little Ernie’s mother is saying good night to her kids. She is expecting another child, so she tells them the story of how the stork brings babies.
After she has turned out the light, little Ernie turns to his sister.
“You know?” he says, “I don’t care what Mom thinks. I just can’t picture Dad screwing a stork.”
Zabriski gets a job painting the white line down the middle of the road. On the first day, the Polack paints five miles of road. He does such a great job that the boss calls him in and gives him a bonus. But the next day Zabriski only does three miles, and the day after, only one mile. The boss calls him in again and asks him, “What has happened?”
“Well,” explains Zabriski, “every day it takes me longer to walk back to the bucket of paint.”
Nancy Reagan goes to the psychiatrist and tells him that her husband Ronald has started eating dog food. The shrink tells her not to worry and that such problems are usually short-lived.
But to be on the safe side, he asks Nancy to bring in a sample of dog food for analysis. He discovers that there is nothing harmful in it, and assures Nancy that Ronald should be back to normal in a week.