Finally I have come home to myself with a silence and serenity never known before. I feel like a flower bud ready to open, yet I do not feel in touch with the energy of love and joy that would allow this flower to bloom.
It is almost as if I have not yet fully opened my heart to myself.
Osho, am I missing something or is it just a matter of time?
The flowers don’t open unto themselves. Otherwise they could have opened in the middle of the night. They open to a rising sun in deep welcome, in gratitude and prayer. They open to the songs of the birds.
And you are trying to do something utterly stupid. You are trying to open your heart to yourself. Do you understand what it means? How can you open your heart to yourself? Who are you, other than your heart? If you are trying to open your heart to yourself, it will close more and more because you are the center of the heart. The petals will have to come close to you…they will become a bud…Even the open flower will start closing.
This is something very significant to understand: you can open to existence, but not to yourself. You are the one who is the barrier. But you seem to be accustomed to the old human habit of making somebody else responsible.
I will read your question: “Finally I have come home to myself with a silence and serenity never known before.”
Remember – underline the word myself. When one really comes home, there is no self found. Gautam Buddha has to use a negative word, anatta. Anatta means ‘no-self’. When you really come home you are not to be found at all.
If you are still finding yourself, you have not come home. Your absence is the home. Your ego is taking you astray and it will give you the sense that you have come home just to prevent you – giving you some false substitute of a home. But this has to be remembered as a definitive criterion: when you come home you never come to yourself.
You come to the ultimate. You come to Sat-Chit-Anand. You come to truth. You come to consciousness. You come to bliss.
But in the world of truth, consciousness and bliss, where are you going to find this rat you call “myself”? I knowingly use the word rat because rats have been found, scientifically, to survive under any conditions. They eat almost one-fifth of the food of humanity. One-fifth is a big lot – twenty percent – while half of humanity is starving. And they grow fast. Their birthrate is faster than any Indian; they don’t believe in birth control at all; they are all followers of the Vatican Pope, they are all Catholics.
There has been a very revealing experiment somewhere in the oceans on a small island where both America and France have been experimenting with atomic weapons, nuclear weapons. The whole island has no population, except rats.
All the trees have died. There is a tremendous amount of atomic radiation which can kill any human being, but the rats have not died. They quickly became immune to any radiation.