The first question:
The nature of the spiritual search seems to be beyond my understanding. Sometimes all searching seems to be futile, and at that moment I experience a great relaxation. But in another moment, and with the same intensity, it feels that the goal is far away and even that the journey has not even started. Does the spiritual search continue like this?
Truth is close, closer than the closest. And it is also far away, further away than the furthest. It is close because it is your nature, it is far because it is the nature of the whole existence. A drop is the ocean and also it is not. A drop is the ocean because that which is in a drop is in the ocean on a vaster scale. A drop is not the ocean because a drop has limitations, but where are the limits of the ocean?
One day the spiritual search will bring you to a point where it seems that everything has been attained and also that nothing has been attained. If you look at yourself you will feel that everything has been attained; if you look at truth you will feel that the journey has not yet started. And this experience is good, it is an indication that you have reached to a very valuable point. Those who feel that everything has been attained and are not simultaneously feeling that nothing has been attained are using this attainment as a nourishment for the ego. Those who feel that nothing has been attained and don’t simultaneously feel that everything has been attained, their feeling is a frustration for the ego. If the ego is successful, then it says that everything has been attained; if it is frustrated, then it says that everything has been lost. But the language of the ego is either of gain or loss, it chooses one of the two. In the moment of egolessness, when you become empty, then gain and loss have the same meaning. Only then is the greatest mystery of life experienced. When you have this experience, don’t be afraid. Call it a fortunate moment. Dance, and be full of gratitude.
You can also feel that the journey has not yet started. It is beautiful to feel this way, because how can the journey towards the divine begin? Whatsoever begins must come to an end. When you begin on the journey to the divine it means that you are interested in ending it. To begin the journey means that you have made a limit to it. You have started at one end and the other end will happen some day; it is only a matter of time. But you will certainly put a limit on the divine.