Then you can do much for a change in you because facts can be changed; fictions cannot be changed. With everything that you are doing or you are thinking, go deep down. Dig out the facts, and do not allow interpretations and words to color it.
If this consideration is there, by and by you will become authentic. And this authenticity will not be like that of an animal. This authenticity will be like that of a saint, because the more you know how ugly you are, the more you know how violent you are, the more you penetrate inside your facts and become aware of the nonsense that you are doing, the more this awareness will help you. And by and by your ugliness will drop away, will wither away, because if you are aware of your ugliness it cannot continue.
If you want it to continue, do not be aware of it and create a facade of beauty around it. Then you will see the beauty, and the ugliness will remain behind, never to be seen directly. Everyone else will see it – that is the problem. The son will see that the father is not angry for his good. He will see that the father is angry because he has been disobeyed and he feels hurt; the son will know it. You cannot hide your ugliness from others. You can hide it only from yourself. Your look will reveal to everyone that there is violence. You can only deceive yourself that there was compassion.
That is why everyone thinks of himself as a very superior being, and no one else agrees with him. Your wife doesn’t agree with you that you are a superior being. Your children are not in agreement with you that you are a superior being. Your friends do not agree, no one agrees with you, that you are a superior being.
They have a popular saying in Russia that if everyone says their mind totally, exactly as it is, there will not be four friends in the whole world. Impossible! Whatsoever your friend thinks about you, he never says to you. That is why friendship continues. But he is always saying things behind you, and you are saying what you think about your friend behind him. No one says honestly what he thinks because then there will be no possibility of any friendship. Why? No one agrees with you, and the reason is only this: you can only deceive yourself; you cannot deceive anyone else. Only self-deception is possible.
And when you think you are deceiving others you are simply deceiving yourself. It may be that others pretend to you that they have been deceived by you, because there are moments when it is convenient to play the role of being deceived. It may be beneficial for the person. You talk to someone about your greatness… Everyone is talking directly or indirectly about his greatness, his superiority. Someone may agree with you. If it is beneficial to him he will pretend to you that he is being deceived by you, but he knows inside who you are.