On the path of awareness these things don’t happen at all. Yes, a totally different kind of beauty happens – the beauty of the desert, the silence of the desert. And remember, the desert also has its own beauty; all that is needed is one who can understand that beauty. There are no trees, no greenery, just infinite expanses of sands and sands, and the patterns that the wind makes on the sands, and the starry night in the desert, and the silence, utter silence.
You cannot find that silence in a garden. The birds will go on chirping and the wind will go on blowing through the pine trees, and the fountains and the streams; and much goes on because it is a dance. In the desert it is all stillness. Those who can appreciate the beauty of the garden may not be able to appreciate the beauty of the desert; those who can feel the beauty of the desert may sometimes feel jealous of those who are living in the gardens.
It is an ancient phenomenon: the follower on the path of awareness has always felt suspicious; many times doubts arise in him. That’s what is happening to Ajit. The doubt is natural because the lover shows so many things that prove that something is happening, and the meditator simply starts disappearing into his own being, into his own interiority. No flower manifests, no song bursts forth; he becomes more and more aloof, distant. Others may even start thinking that he has become sad or serious.
Vivek always reminds me, “What is happening to Ajit Saraswati? Why does he look serious? He does not even laugh at the jokes, very rarely, and that too with effort, as if just not to feel out of company.” Vivek reminds me because her path is of love; she cannot understand. It is impossible for the lover to understand that there can be any beauty in the desert, in being simply, utterly alone. But both have their own beauties.
Ajit Saraswati, you need not worry, you are not attracted by the opposite. Meditation is your path. On the path of the lover you would feel strange, that wouldn’t suit with you. And this is not only in this life that you are following the path of meditation; for many lives you have been following it, on and off. But this time I think it is going to remain on. There is every possibility that this may be your last life. Enjoy it deeply. Enjoy this stillness, silence – which may appear to others as seriousness, even as sadness. Don’t be confused by it, don’t be shaken by it.
The third question:
Why am I still so scared of exposing myself?