I have heard about a politician. He had gone to a great surgeon, a brain surgeon. The politician was very important and he was contesting for the presidency of the country, so the brain surgeon had called all his colleagues and told them to be very careful. But they saw so much crap in his brain that they finally thought that it was better to put him in a coma and take out the whole brain and give it a dry cleaning.
While they were cleaning his brain in another room, the man became a little conscious, and at that very moment a man came in and said, “What are you doing lying here? You have been chosen as the president of the country!”
So he jumped off the table. The surgeons saw that he was jumping off the table and they could not believe it. They said, “Wait! Your brain is being washed!”
The politician said, “For five years at least I will not need it. You can keep it and clean it completely. I have become the president of the country. What do I need the brain for?”
Shiva used to be sitting by my side every evening in darshan. He was a guard – not my bodyguard, just one of the guards – and his function here was that when people in darshan sometimes fell down, if they felt such an upsurge of energy that they could not manage to sit, his function was to take them back to their seats or take them and make them lie down by the side.
I had never seen anything that could be called intelligent in him. He never wrote a single word, he never wrote any book about his experiences here. Perhaps he was so insensitive that although he was in the midst tremendous experiences happening, his insensitivity did not allow him to be aware of it.
But the day I left for America he followed me. Certainly in America there was a different arrangement. The whole commune was a different kind of functioning organization, and he was not chosen to be a guard. He came twice. I was in silence and isolation so he could not approach me and the others who were in the office said, “We don’t need you as a guard because we have been confirmed by the American government as a city. So now guards are not needed: we have a police department.”
Of course we did not allow any non-sannyasin to be in the police department. We sent our own people for the training. Our own people were the policemen, so there was no need for guards. Those policemen were functioning under the chief of police of Oregon.
Shiva was so hurt that his power had been taken away that he wrote a book, Bhagwan, The God That Failed. If he had been authentic and true he should have written, Shiva, The Guard That Failed. But nobody looks at himself; people always project on others.
At least you are aware of the split. Just go a little deeper in your meditation and the split will disappear. It is simply a confusion because you don’t know that love is followed by fear as a shadow and unless that shadow disappears, love is never complete and flowering.