Judas crucifying himself – and all those thirty silver pieces, he had thrown on the ground – indicates something deeper than historical fact, something concerned more with the inner world. At a certain point, he became so burdened that he became angry at Jesus.
He was a disciple: he had loved Jesus his whole life and he was grateful to Jesus.
But neither did Jesus tell him nor did he inquire how to transform love when it becomes a burden, gratefulness when it becomes a burden, how to avoid the danger of all those beautiful feelings turning into poison. But when he saw Jesus being crucified, suddenly all anger disappeared. Instead of anger there was only repentance – and not ordinary repentance; he threw down those thirty silver pieces and committed suicide.
His suicide is so significant.
And the Christians’ silence about his suicide is also significant: they don’t want to bring it in because to bring it in they will have to go deeper than the superficial facts of history. History consists only of daily newspapers, collected, just superficial. It does not give insight. And if it was only the case with Jesus one could think that it may have been an exception. It is not so. It has been happening with almost every great master. Seeing that it happened with Mahavira, it happened with Gautam Buddha, I started thinking that there seems to be something much more than the mere fact that some important disciple betrays the master – but why?
My understanding is that it is because the science of the relationship between the master and the disciple has not yet been completely discovered. This is one of the basic contributions that I would like to make to the science: that a master has to be aware not to burden the disciple to such an extent that what was beautiful starts becoming humiliating, insulting.
I am reminded….
I had a friend who was a great politician. He was the education minister, with great longings to one day go even higher, to the highest post in the country.
He was also a very rich man. Once in a while, whenever I was not traveling, he would come to me to ask about peace, silence, relaxation. And I told him, “Unless you drop your ambitions, you cannot be at peace and you cannot be silent and you cannot relax – because in a competitive world where you are not the only one who is trying to become the prime minister of the country, if you are relaxing and others are not relaxing, you have lost the game. Those who are able to remain tense and go on rushing, speeding, who are almost mad, will not even stop to rest unless they have reached to the very peak.” He said, “This is very difficult. I cannot drop the ambition, I have come so far – now the goal is only two steps away. Once I have reached the goal, I will renounce politics and I will sit with you and meditate, and do whatsoever you say. But before that, if I can have a little peace of mind, a little silence in the heart, a little relaxation, I can compete more efficiently.” I said, “That is a contradiction.”