In the down moments, even doubts about sannyas come up.
Mm, that’s natural, and it will happen many times, because when the negative moment comes, everything becomes negative. You will doubt sannyas, you will doubt me, you will doubt yourself. You will even start doubting the previous moments of happiness; you may start thinking that it was just imagination. When one is in the dark night of negativity, one even doubts that the day that has preceded it was there; maybe it was your delusion. When doubt grips your soul, it grips from all directions. One becomes simply doubtful, it is not a question of about what.
When the moment of trust comes, you simply trust – not only me, you trust everybody. In that moment of moving higher and higher, who bothers to doubt?
Just remain a witness to it. That is the work to be done. Be unconcerned, and remember that everything passes. Nothing can be stable and permanent in this world, because the very nature of the world is change. Except for change, everything changes.
If you watch, suddenly you become the eternal, and you are no longer part of the changing world. The changes may be all around you, you may be surrounded by a thousand and one changes, but you remain the center of the cyclone.
When I go through dark moments, it’s like I don’t feel I’ve got the strength to go through it. It’s like a fear of madness. There is this incredible feeling of insecurity, of everything shaking.
In those moments I just don’t have any conviction of my own strength to carry on. It’s like I’m looking for protection. I’ve felt this desire recently just for somebody, somewhere, to protect me, to save me from something I know not what.
I mean, that moment passes but at the time it is so intense that I almost feel suicidal and very weak.
In response to Osho’s queries, the woman says the tension is mainly in her back and head.
So do one thing. Whenever it comes, lie down. If it drops from the head to the back, it is very good. Whenever you feel it, do this in three steps.
Bring the feeling of fear completely into the head, as if you are accumulating it there, concentrating it there. Imagine the fear and the anguish, death and suicide, are coming from all over the body and being collected in the head. Make your head as heavy as possible.