If you remember, you will not be able to remember beyond the age of four because the barrier is so big. It has completely blocked things out. Otherwise, why can’t you remember beyond the age of four? Why have you forgotten it so deeply? Your mind was there. You enjoyed, you suffered, you passed through many experiences – so why have you forgotten them all? You have not forgotten. Because of this barrier you have repressed everything deep down in the unconscious. That is why people go on saying that their childhood was very beautiful. You go on thinking that childhood was paradise. It was not – but it appears so to you because you can’t remember. It is a blank.
Go slowly. By and by more things will come up. The whole dust of the past has to be stirred up. You will perspire, you will be scared; your whole mind will say, “What are you doing? Come back, go to the future!” The mind always says go to the future, because then the past remains intact.
If you really want to become a meditator, first go to the past. If you have taken a wrong route somewhere at some crossroads, the only way is to go back to the crossroads and move again on the right path – there is no other way. Where-ever you are now, from here you cannot suddenly take the right path. There is no right path – you have to go back.
And when I say re-live, I mean allow it to happen in the body. Remember the first day you touched your sex center and your father or mother told you to take away your hand. Remember their eyes, their face – everything that condemned you. Just see your father standing there again: the same face, the same eyes, the gesture, the condemnation – the whole thing. And not only this, but feel how you felt on that day – the shrinking, the narrowing of your consciousness, the wound they created, the condemnation.
A child is so helpless he has to follow your orders; whatever you say, he has to follow you. Even if it is against his nature he has to follow you. He is so helpless he cannot live without you; he depends on you.
See the whole helplessness. Feel it in your body. You may start crying, weeping. You may start kicking. Maybe you would like to hit your father – you didn’t do it then and that is the incompleteness. You will not be able to forgive your father unless you hit him in this moment of reliving. That is why no child can forgive and forget his parents. They are always there because something wrong has happened with them. Go back, re-live those moments, and by and by you will be able to go deeper and deeper. Then suddenly the tunnel is no more – you have passed the barrier. You are under a wide infinite sky; you are a child again. Only then Chuang Tzu will be understood by you, not before. And Wilhelm Reich and his therapy can be helpful. You can use Wilhelm Reich beautifully on the path of Chuang Tzu.
Now the sutra: The Tower of the Spirit.
The spirit has an impregnable tower which no danger can disturb as long as the tower is guarded by the invisible Protector who acts unconsciously, and whose actions go astray when they become deliberate, reflexive and intentional.