Resist that temptation, and whatsoever you attain in a group, try to attain individually. You may be capable immediately after a group because the memory is fresh and the confidence is still there. The very idea that you had a glimpse will be helpful. After a few days it won’t help, so immediately in the wake of a group experiment, the most significant work is to be done. The real work starts when the group ends.
Try then to attain alone whatsoever you attained in the group. Nitya was talking about clarity – try to attain that clarity alone, unaided, unled, without the group functioning as a catalytic agent, without the group consciousness pushing you forward. Left alone to oneself, one tends to relax, to become lazy.
In those little glimpses of awareness when the ego becomes an object, it does not possess you, it is impotent, and that’s why you feel so beautiful – because ego is the only ugly thing in life. It is an ugly transformation of consciousness, an ill transformation of consciousness; something has gone wrong.
So whenever you feel something has been there and it remains very vague, misty, in a haze, try to nourish it and cherish it continually. Revive it on your own, and then you will see that it can be attained. Then the group has been very meaningful; it helped to give you an insight, and now you have that insight on your own. When you feel the same alone, you will feel more beautiful, because there is now no dependence.
There is a possibility – and it has become a reality in the West – that many people live from one group to another, almost addicted; as a drunkard lives from one trip to another. That is dangerous. A group should not become a style of life. It is good whatsoever it gives, but then you have to attain it on your own. Then go to another group, but go on a higher consciousness. Don’t do the same thing again, don’t repeat it. Gain something and make it a permanent crystallization in you.
I’m experiencing some confusion about problems. When I first went into the group I said I wanted to be a man – and now I don’t even know what a man is, and I don’t think one exists. And my problems change from day to day, and I get very frightened without any problems. This morning I felt very frightened because I couldn’t see what my problem was! And I know I just invent them to shield myself from you.
It is good that you have become aware. Everybody is doing that.