All relationships – almost all, the exceptions are negligible, can be left out of account – become ugly. In the beginning they are beautiful. In the beginning you don’t show the reality, in the beginning you pretend. Once the relationship settles and you relax, your inner conflict bubbles up and starts being mirrored in your relationship – then fights, then a thousand and one ways of nagging each other, destroying each other. Hence the attraction for homosexuality: whenever a society has become too much – because at least a man in love with a man is not that much in conflict. The love relationship may not be very satisfying, may not lead to tremendous bliss and orgasmic moments, but at least it is not as ugly as the relationship between a man and a woman. Women become lesbians whenever the conflict becomes too much, because at least the love relationship between two women is not so deep in conflict. The same meets the same, they can understand each other.
Yes, understanding is possible, but the attraction is lost, the polarity is lost. It is at a very great cost. Understanding is possible, but the whole tension, the challenge, is lost. And if you choose challenge, then comes conflict, because the real problem is somewhere within you. Unless you have settled, come to a deep harmony between your female and male mind, you will not be able to love.
People come to me and they ask how to go deep in a relationship. I tell them, “First, go deeply into meditation. Unless you are resolved within yourself you will create more problems than you already have. If you move in relationship all your problems will be multiplied.” Just watch. The greatest and the most beautiful thing on earth is love, but can you find anything more ugly, more hell-creating?
Mulla Nasruddin once told me, “Well, I’ve been putting off the evil day for months, but I have got to go this time.”
“Dentist or doctor?” I enquired.
“Neither,” he said, “I am getting married.”
People go on avoiding marriage, people go on putting it off. When some day they find it impossible to get out of it, only then do they relax.
Where is the problem? Why are people so afraid of getting deeply involved? Involvement immediately creates fear; commitment immediately creates fear – and the modern man wants to have sex but no love.
A woman told me that she wants sex only with strangers. Traveling in a train, meeting a stranger, that’s okay, but not even with someone who is friendly or familiar.
I asked, “Why?”
She said that once you make love to someone who is known to you, some involvement starts. In a train, on a journey, you meet, make love –you don’t know even what the other person’s name is, who he is, from where he comes. You get down when your station comes and he moves away, forgotten forever. He leaves no scratch, you remain completely clean. You come out of it completely clean and unscratched.