This morning you spoke of the need to be responsible, to not lean on others, to be alone.
I see I have been taking sannyas as an excuse to avoid these things – asking you all the time what to do, calling on your presence when I am sad and lonely, imagining you are with me, filling all the emptiness.
I feel irresponsible and confused again about what sannyas is.
You will always feel confused if you lean on somebody else because then the understanding will not be yours, and understanding cannot be borrowed. So you can befool yourself a little while. Again and again the reality will erupt and you will feel confused. So the only way to avoid confusion is not rationalization; the only way to avoid confusion is to stand on your own feet – to be alert, to be aware. Don’t postpone awareness. Whenever you start leaning on somebody, you are avoiding awareness – and you have been taught and conditioned for it from the very beginning. The parents, the peers, the society, the educationists, the politicians, they all go on trying to condition you in such a way that you always depend on others. Then you can be manipulated, then you can be dominated. Then you can be exploited and oppressed, then you can be reduced to being a slave. You lose your freedom.
This conditioning is there. When you come to me you come with that conditioning, of course; there is no other way. And immediately your mind starts functioning from your conditioning: you start leaning on me. But I am not going to allow you that. I will push you again and again, throw you again and again to yourself. Because I would like you to stand on your own understanding. Then it will be something of the permanent, then you will never be confused.
Confusion comes in…. I say something to you, you start believing in it – but it is not your vision, it is not your perception. Tomorrow in life something happens and you are in a difficulty. The difficulty arises because you have learned by rote – you have memorized me. Now you will try to respond through this borrowed understanding. Life changes every moment. My understanding of this moment will not be of any help to you the next moment. My understanding of this moment cannot be made a permanent reference. And if you take it verbally, intellectually, mentally, and you carry it with you, you will be again and again confused; because life will always sabotage your so-called understanding.
Life trusts only real understanding. Real means your own, authentic, that arises from you.
I am not here to give you knowledge, I am not here to give you theories. That’s what has been done for centuries and man has remained as ignorant as ever. I am here to make you alert of the fact that hidden behind you, within you, is a source of light. Tap that source. Let that light burn bright within you, and then you have something alive. Then whatsoever problems come in life, you will not tackle them from your past knowledge – you will tackle them in the present. You will face them with your present understanding.