I am becoming more and more conscious of the barriers I have built up in myself over the years against being a joyful self-loving open being. It feels like the wall in me is getting stronger and stronger the more I am aware of it, and I can’t come through. Do I first need more courage? Could you please help me with your understanding?
It is the same question again. I have been answering Amita, but I have also answered you – although you have phrased your question in a different way. A few small details are different; otherwise it is the same problem. I will discuss those small differences in detail.
You say, “I am becoming more and more conscious of the barriers that have built up in myself over the years against being a joyful, self-loving, open being. It feels like the wall in me is getting stronger and stronger the more I am aware of it, and I can’t come through.”
The first thing to understand is that the wall is not becoming stronger; it is only that your awareness is becoming clear. There is no reason at all why the wall should become stronger when you are becoming more aware. It is simply when you bring the light in your dark house, you start seeing the cobwebs and the spiders…. Not that they have suddenly started growing because you have brought the light in; they have always been there. It is just that you are becoming aware, alert.
But don’t think that they are growing. Your light has nothing to do with their growth. Yes, it reveals their presence. Your growing awareness is revealing the presence of your prison walls.
And you say, “I am aware of it and I can’t come through.” Because these walls are not true walls, they cannot prevent you. They are not made of bricks or stone; they are only made of thoughts. You just have to know the secret of how to come through them. If you start struggling with your thought processes, which constitute the prison walls, then you will get into a tremendous mess. One can even go insane.
That’s how people go insane: they are surrounded by so many thoughts and they are trying hard to come out of the crowd and they go on getting deeper and deeper into the crowd. And then naturally a breakdown follows. Their nervous system cannot sustain so much pressure and so much tension. They have opened Pandora’s box. It was all hidden there, but they were blissfully unaware of it. Now they have brought a meditative awareness and suddenly they see a great crowd, so thick that the more they try, the more they feel their impotence against the walls that are surrounding them.
If you start fighting with them then there is no way. Sooner or later – tired, tattered – you will find yourself slipping from your sanity. But if you use a right method, instead of a breakdown you will have a breakthrough. The right method to deal with all that you feel you are surrounded with is to be just a witness – not to fight, not to judge, not to condemn. Just remain silent and still, purely witnessing whatever is there.