Always choose the real, howsoever bad and howsoever painful and howsoever destructive it looks. Even if it feels like death, choose it – and you will be benefited by it. Never choose the comfortable the convenient, the bourgeois, other-wise you will live the life of a hostile – if you are fortunate – or the life of a phony if you are not so fortunate, or, if you are not fortunate at all, the life of a zombie.
Love brings you out of your ego, out of your past, out of your patterned life. Hence it appears to be a confusion.
Priya’s observation is right. She says: every time I fall in love, things start to crash all around me. She really falls in love. I have been watching her love affairs. When she falls, she really falls! It is never so-so, it is never lukewarm. She really goes mad, berserk. And it is happening again, that’s why she has put this question.
But that’s good. There is nothing to be worried about. Lose the ego. Sometimes to be mad is a basic necessity to remain sane. If you are always sane then your sanity is suspect. Then you must be carrying a great neurosis hidden behind you, and any day it can explode, it can erupt. You are sitting on a volcano. It is good to have a few holidays from sanity. Sunday is good. Sometimes forget all about your sanity, all about your rules, discipline, controlled behavior, and all that nonsense. Sometimes be on a holiday, relax, and go berserk.
If you go berserk deliberately, consciously, fully aware, it is going to be an incredible experience. and you are never in danger. When you go berserk consciously you can come back. You know how you entered into it and you know how to get out of it.
When you don’t go consciously, when you are thrown by a volcano inside you, when it is not your choice, but just an accident, when it is not that you have chosen the holiday but you have been forced to go on a holiday, then it is not within your capacity to come back. That’s what happens to mad people. They become mad only when they have accumulated so much madness that now it is not possible for them to control it. It overwhelms them. And then they cannot come back.
Here, living with me, I am teaching you one basic principle of remaining sane – that is, deliberately, consciously, with effort, to sometimes go mad. It is a good experience. You remain available to both polarities – sanity/insanity. You swing. You have freedom.
The person who is always sane is not free and the person who is always insane is not free either. But the person who can swing from sanity to insanity, and can easily swing, smoothly, with no barrier, has great freedom. These are the people who have known what life is. All the mystics are mad and all the mad people could have become mystics, but they missed. And when you go on your own you can come back. That is my basic teaching here. I teach you to be mad consciously.
So go into it. Don’t be afraid. All that you lose is not worth keeping.
The second thing. She says: I guess I lose my center but in that state I don’t know if I have a center or not. That too is good observation. You don’t have one yet. The ego has to go utterly, only then will the real center be seen. When the clouds have disappeared you will see the sun.