Many years ago, it seems, I used to be able to meditate – I think. A beautiful, silent, transparent state would arrive from somewhere; I presumed this was meditation. Now, nothing comes except a racing mind. What happened?
Prema Veena, it always almost happens this way. The days when you were feeling a kind of meditation happening to you were the days you were not looking for it – it was happening to you. Now you are trying to make it happen, and that makes all the difference. All the things that are really valuable in life only happen; you cannot make them happen, you cannot do them. It may be meditation, it may be love, it may be blissfulness, it may be silence.
Anything that goes beyond your mind is beyond your capacity to do it; you can only do things which come in the territory of the mind.
The mind is the doer, but your being is not a doer. Your being is just an opening, and a deep acceptance of whatever happens, with no complaint, with no grudge – just a pure gratefulness. And that, too, is not done by you; that is also part of the happening. We have to make this distinction very clear; almost everybody gets confused. Something happens to you – it is so beautiful, so blissful – the mind starts immediately desiring that it should happen more, that it should happen more often, that it should go deeper. The moment mind comes in, it disturbs everything. Mind is the devil, the destroyer.
So one has to be very aware that mind should not be allowed to interfere in things of the beyond. Mind is perfectly good as a mechanic, a technician. Give your mind what it can do, but don’t let it interfere in things which are beyond its capacity. But one of the problems is that mind is nothing but desiring – desiring for more. As far as the world of doing is concerned, you can have a bigger house, you can have a better house, you can have better furniture – you can do everything better; it is within the capacity of the mind.
But beyond the mind…mind can only desire, and each desire is going to be frustrated. Instead of bringing more meditation, it will bring you more frustration. Instead of bringing you more love, it will bring to you more anger. Instead of silence and peace, it will bring more traffic of thoughts – and that happens to almost everybody. So it is something natural that one has to grow out of.
You are saying, “Many years ago, it seems, I used to be able to meditate. A beautiful, silent, transparent state would arrive from somewhere; I presumed this was meditation.” Neither were you expecting it, nor were you desiring it; it was just a guest, like a breeze that comes to you. But you cannot keep it, and you cannot order it to come. It comes when it comes. And once you understand this, you stop trying.