The first question:
You tell us the paths are of will and surrender. The path of will is certainly not for me, but then surrender also does not seem to be perfect.
Now, what to do? I am totally confused. Kindly show me my path.
The first thing: if you are really totally confused, out of that confusion will come clarity. But you are not totally confused. Once confusion is total, it becomes the path. Then there is no need for any other path. We seek paths out of confusion, because we are confused, but not totally confused, and we think that we can figure things out. Total confusion means now you are totally helpless; now there is no way to go. Now you don’t know anything about the goal, about yourself, about the way. You know nothing. You are in a state of blank. If confusion is total, mind becomes blank. But you are never totally confused – partially, certainly; totally, never.
Total confusion is one of the ways to reach to godliness. It means all your knowledge has proved meaningless – and when I say all, I mean all. Not that you say, “I know a little bit. This much is right, this much is true.” Total confusion means you are in a tremendous dark night of the soul. There is no light available, and there even seems to be no possibility. You are hopeless. There is no hope. The future has disappeared, the past has proved meaningless. The anguish has come to the utter peak. From that very peak, mind disappears – because mind can continue only if you are partially confused. Mind cannot exist in a total confusion.
In fact, mind cannot exist in anything which is total. Total love, mind disappears; total will, mind disappears; total surrender, mind disappears. Totality is against mind, they never exist together. Total confusion, mind disappears.
Try to understand this: confusion can remain only if it is not total. Mind can remain only if you are not totally in anything. Be total in anything whatsoever, and mind cannot cling to you even for a single moment. But you have used the word totally just to emphasize; you don’t know the meaning of it.
A totally confused person cannot even ask this question. How will he ask? How will he articulate a question? A question arises out of knowledge. A totally confused person will come to me, will look at me with empty eyes, with mad eyes; he cannot formulate a question. The questioner means the mind; the questioner means you are still clinging to certain knowledge. You are still hoping that a path can be found, that somebody can show you the path. You still think yourself capable – that you will be able to find some way to get out of it. Your desperation is not utter, your anguish is not perfect.