All believers are disbelievers – they may be Hindus, they may be Christians, they may be Jainas – I know all of them. All believers are disbelievers because belief brings disbelief; it is the shadow of belief. Can you believe without disbelieving? It is impossible; it cannot be done in the nature of things. If you want to disbelieve, the first requirement is to believe. Can you believe without any disbelief entering from the back door? Or can you disbelieve without having any belief in the first place? Believe in God, and immediately the disbelief comes in. Believe in the afterlife and disbelief arises. Disbelief is secondary, belief is primary.
What you want to do is what millions of people in the world want to do: they don’t want the disbelief, they want only the belief. I cannot help, nobody can help. If you are only interested in belief, you will have to suffer the disbelief also. You will remain divided, you will remain split, you will remain schizophrenic. You cannot have the feel of organic unity; you yourself have barred it from happening.
What’s my suggestion? First, drop believing. Let beliefs be dropped, they are all rubbish! Trust in doubt, that’s my suggestion; don’t try to hide it. Trust in doubt. That is the first thing to bring into your being: trust in your doubt. And see the beauty of it, how beautifully trust has come in.
I am not saying believe, I am saying trust. The doubt is a natural gift; it must be from existence – from where else can it be? You bring doubt with you – trust in it, trust in your questioning. And don’t be in a hurry to stuff and hide it with borrowed beliefs from the outside: from the parents, from the priests, from the politicians, from the society, the church. Your doubt is something beautiful because it is yours; it is something beautiful because it is authentic. Out of this authentic doubt some day will grow the flower of authentic trust. It will be an inner growth, it will not be an imposition from the outside.
That is the difference between belief and trust: trust grows inside you, in your interiority, in your subjectivity. Just as doubt is inner, so is trust. And only the inner can transform the inner. Belief is from the outside; it can’t help because it can’t reach to the innermost core of your being, and it is there that the doubt is.
From where to start? Trust your doubt. That’s my way of bringing trust in. Don’t believe in God, don’t believe in the soul, don’t believe in the afterlife. Trust in your doubt, and immediately a conversion has started. Trust is such a powerful force that even if you trust in your doubt you have brought light in. And doubt is like darkness. That small trust in doubt will start changing your inner world, the inner scene.
And question! Why be afraid? Why be so cowardly? Question – question all the buddhas, question me, because if there is truth, truth is not afraid of your questioning. If buddhas are true, they are true; you need not believe in them. Go on still doubting them and one day you will see trust has arisen.