You have asked a beautiful question. The first implication of it is that the day you take the initiation into sannyas is not necessarily the beginning of sannyas. It is simply your indication that, “I am willing to wait for sannyas to happen to me.” Initiation is only your saying yes to existence, and opening all your doors and windows for the fresh breeze and the sun to enter and cleanse you and make you part of the whole.
Some day sannyas will begin. It can begin in the moment of initiation, if your intensity, integrity, your trust and your love are total, but it is rarely so. It is always sixty percent, forty percent; seventy percent, thirty percent…There are people who may have ninety-nine percent trust, but that one percent doubt is enough to prevent…years, even lives. Unless you are one hundred percent open, unless the very word no has dropped from your vocabulary, the great revolution of sannyas will not happen to you.
Just this morning I said to Shunyo that Anando has too much work – and I go on loading her with more and more work. I go on calling her morning, evening and night. And if I don’t call her she waits; if I don’t call her I feel guilty that she must be waiting. And the strangest thing is she has never said no to anything. Howsoever burdened, she immediately is ready to take on a new project, knowing that it is almost impossible for her to do all these things. But if I am saying it, that is enough for her: “There must be the potential in me which I am not aware of – but my master has to be aware. If he is saying, ‘Do it,’ I will do it.” I have never heard even a hesitation.
Sannyas needs a total yes and then it can happen this very moment. But your small doubt – it may be just very small – is just like a small piece of sand in your eyes, and you cannot open your eyes. Just a small piece of sand can deprive you of seeing this whole beautiful world. Doubt is just like a small piece of sand in your inner eye. It can prevent you from seeing the splendor and the glory of life, your own potential and your own flowers which have been waiting for lives to grow and blossom, but you have not given the chance.
And your feeling that slowly it seems sannyas has become almost unknowingly, the medium my whole life flows in, like a fish in the sea…am I too sleepy and moving too slowly? – both are good.
To be sleepy is not against spirituality. I cannot conceive of any way that to be sleepy is against spirituality. If to be sleepy is against spirituality then I am the most unspiritual person who has ever existed.
Somebody thinks I am meditating, somebody thinks I have gone on some esoteric trip; somebody thinks I am working upon my disciples, but the reality is, to be frank with you – I am simply sleeping. I have not found that sleep has ever committed any sin against anybody. Sleep is the purest and the most virtuous state you can conceive. If you are awake you are bound to do some nonsense – you cannot avoid: look at Niskriya! Mostly he is asleep. He fixes his camera and he knows I am not going to move my chair. So why waste time?
But because of your laughter his sleep is disturbed again and again. And do you think I tell jokes for your joy? You are wrong. It is simply to disturb Niskriya.