The first question
The thirst doesn’t arise and my doors don’t open.
No one can make himself thirsty. You may search for water, but you cannot make yourself thirsty. If the thirst is there, it is there. If it is not there, you must wait. You cannot force yourself to be thirsty, and there is no need. When the right time comes, your very being will be ripe and the thirst will arise. And it is good that nothing happens before its time.
Your mind is greedy. For example a young child who hears about love, about sexual intercourse, or who gets hold of Vatsyayana’s Kamasutra begins to wonder how he too could feel such sexual passions, and a greed arises in him. But a young child cannot feel sexual passion; he must wait. His passions will come when his sexual energy ripens. And the passion for the divine ripens in the same way as our sexual energy ripens. There is no other way. And there is no need to make it happen earlier either.
But when you hear others talk, you feel greedy, you start to wonder when you will meet with the divine. You have seen Daya singing about the divine, you have seen Meera swaying with unrestrained ecstasy – and your greed quivers inside you. You want to have the same unrestrained joy. You don’t care about the divine, it is this uninhibited joy which attracts you. You want this ecstasy. You see a divine drunkard swaying along the road and you want to experience a similar state of drunkenness. Your concern is not about the divine wine – perhaps you are not even aware of the wine – but this man’s uninhibited ecstasy triggers a jealousy in you.
Remember: coming close to an enlightened mystic can trigger jealousy in you in the same way as it can trigger prayerfulness. It will be difficult if jealousy arises. A great uneasiness can be born in you because you have no thirst. And when there is no thirst, a stream of water may be flowing by your side, but what are you supposed to do with it? When your throat is not dry, what do you care about a river? And even if you do drink, you won’t experience contentment, because contentment comes only when first there is discontent – otherwise you may even feel like vomiting.