Ananda said: “For many, many years I was with you and I missed the chance, and now you will be no more. What will happen to me now? You were here and I couldn’t attain. Now you will not be here. What will happen to me? Now how many lives will I have to wander?”
Even if the source is available to you, you can miss. You can miss by not surrendering. Surrender, and the remaining I will do.
The second question:
Before you start talking, you smile. When you start talking, your smile disappears and you don’t smile again until you’ve finished. Can you tell us about that?
It is relevant, because to speak is such a torture and such a useless activity. It has to be done because there is no other way to bring you toward the silence that exists in me. You won’t listen to it; you can listen only to words. So I am smiling when I start talking, but while I am talking it is difficult to smile. It is such a torture and such a futile effort to say something which cannot be said, to talk about something which cannot be talked about, to go on continuously pointing with the fingers to the moon which cannot be fingered. But there is no other way, so I have to continue.
By and by you will become able to listen to the nonverbal, to the wordless. By and by you will become able to listen when I am not talking. Then there will be no need – then I will be smiling continuously. So when I finish, I smile again – the torture is no more!