Now let me tell you something else. The same ego that is creating the guilt is the same ego that may have been the cause for separating. The ego creates conflict; it does not allow love to flow. It does not allow surrender; it is always fighting and trying to possess. And the other is also trying to do the same. We are all traveling in the same boat – the boat of the ego. Everybody is trying to enforce his ego against others, trying to dominate, manipulate – that may have been the cause for the separation.
Now the same ego says that you are guilty. Drop that ego. Then you will see that love has a different quality in it. It is no longer possessive, no longer dominating, jealous; there is no more conflict. It is a beautiful sharing, very silent, soundless…it has a grace. Without the ego love is graceful. Only without the ego can love exist as love. With the ego it is corrupted, poisoned. Any love that is based on the ego is always on the rocks.
Now this is the dilemma: the ego creates the problem, and then the ego goes on thinking about guilt. Somebody says something and you become angry – it is the ego that becomes angry. Then later on you repent and you feel guilty – it is also the same ego. Now you are in a trap. First the ego becomes anger, and then it becomes repentance. When it becomes repentant you think that now it is not the ego. You think that you have become very religious, spiritual, beautiful. It is nothing of the sort – it is a trick of the ego. Now the ego is deceiving you in a subtler form.
So drop the guilt. Now nothing can be done about that separation – gone, gone forever. Drop the ego, and learn the lesson that this has been the cause. The real problem is not the separation; the real problem is the ego. And if you go on playing games with it, the same pattern will go on and on being repeated.
In the beginning every love is beautiful, but that’s not the point. If love is beautiful in the end, only then is it really beautiful. In the beginning every love is beautiful – that’s a pretension. When reality is encountered, ugliness comes up. When your depth is stirred, the ugliness comes up; otherwise everybody is beautiful.
So now drop the ego. Be watchful and allow things. Don’t try to dominate and manipulate. Don’t be a manager – that’s the ugliest thing in the world. Don’t manage; let life flow through you. Remain open and floating…and trust wherever it leads. Much is going to happen….
Since you told me not to co-lead Encounter groups anymore, I’ve been feeling angry at you, at the secretary and this place and anybody who waves a thing at me. But there’s been nobody to react to. I just feel really afraid…. Just a few times, very rarely, a spontaneous thing happens which I don’t really know how or why, and then there’s a melting, a physical feeling.