Who finds it? – that’s you! You will find nothingness, you will find nothing reflected in you; you will find emptiness. You have to change your focus from the object to your subjectivity. One thing is certain: the witness is present, and the inward journey is to find the witness – is to find the pure mirror of your being.
You say, “In my meditations, as I try to look more and more inside, I often feel that there is nobody.” But you are not conscious at all that you are finding that there is nobody. But you are! Do you think you are going to meet yourself as somebody? Do you think you are going to meet somebody who will say, “Hello, Shivam Annette, how do you do?” That will really freak you out – “My God, I’m not one, I’m two!”
This feeling that there is nobody is absolutely right. You are on the right track. Just go on being alert that you are still there, watching. All these are objects – the nobody, the darkness, the fear, the tension…. “It is like falling into an endless black gap. And I feel a lot of tension and wanting to run away.”
Watch all these things. They are just your old habits. You have never been into your own depths; hence the fear of the unacquainted, of the unknown. You have always been going around and around – but outside – and you have even forgotten the path to your inner home. In the beginning it will look like an endless black gap. Allow it. Blackness has a beauty of its own. Blackness is deep, is silent – enjoy it! There is no need to run away from it.
“If there is no me inside, then whom should I love?”
There is certainly no me inside anyone. But there is something else far more important: there is something which can only be called your am-ness, your is-ness – just your pure existence.
You call it me, because outside you need to refer to yourself.
Have you watched small babies? In the beginning they often refer to themselves by their name, “Johnny is hungry.” They are far more accurate. But in a society they will be thought to be insane. “Johnny is hungry?” Why don’t you say, “I’m hungry” “Johnny” gives the idea that somebody else is hungry. Johnny is your name to be used by others. You cannot use it when you are referring to yourself. Then you have to refer to yourself as ‘I’, ‘me’, but not your name.”
It happened in Thomas Alva Edison’s life…he was one of the greatest scientists. As far as numbers of inventions are concerned he is unparallelled – he invented one thousand things. It is almost impossible to find a thing which is not invented by Thomas Alva Edison. He was so much respected that nobody mentioned his name, just out of respect. His colleagues called him Professor, his students called him Sir, and obviously he didn’t use his own name.