The pain arises, or some feeling spring is touched, something uncoils, and immediately a judgment will come, because you have been judging your whole life – everyone has. When something happens you immediately judge, the mind immediately says something. And when you say something, feeling, the door of feeling, closes. It is very shy.
Feeling is feminine, mind is male. The mind is never shy, the heart is always shy. Once the mind is looking at it, the door to feelings closes, you cave in.
It is natural in the beginning to judge so don’t be worried about it, because that worry about the judgment will be more harmful than the judgment itself. Don’t judge the judgment – just take note that you have judged and that is why the door has closed. Forget about the judgment and start working. Next time the judgment comes it will not be so strong or so harmful or so certain; it will be more hesitant.
Just by your being aware, by and by the judgment will disappear. Look at this: if thinking looks at feeling, feeling closes; and if awareness looks at thought, thoughts disappear. So just look, watch the judgment, and by and by it will go.
I feel I don’t allow my heart to open…I feel that when I was very young I rejected my parents. I felt good about being a bad little boy. Now I feel that everything that I thought was love was nothing.
This is a good insight. To understand that whatsoever you have called love up to now was not love, is one of the most meaningful insights. When it happens much becomes possible.
People go on thinking that they love, and that becomes their greatest illusion – and the sooner they are disillusioned the better. Love is such a rare thing that it cannot be so easily available to all. It is not…it is as rare as buddhahood, not less than that.
This insight is good but it will make you sad, very morose, and give you a certain gloom. But don’t be worried, because out of a dark night the morning is born. When the night is darkest the morning is closest. You will be very very morose and sad because whatsoever you were thinking was love was not, and you have lived in dreams and have been missing reality. When this insight dawns on you, you become very sad, almost dead.
Don’t try to escape from this state. Relax into it, let yourself be drowned in this sadness, and soon you will come out of it completely new. I can see even in your voice, in your eyes, in your very body, that a tremendous sadness is settling; allow it. The human tendency is not to allow it, to escape from it – to go to the hotel, to the cinema hall, to friends to talk nonsense, to do something to be occupied so that you can escape from this state. But if you escape, you again miss something that was going to happen. Relax into it.