Each moment has been of tremendous value. Those moments before enlightenment, those moments of enlightenment, and those moments of going beyond enlightenment – everything has been so much that I can only be grateful to existence. Out of this gratitude arises my trust. It has nothing to do with existence and whether it is trustworthy or not. It has to do with my own experience, my gratitude – that creates the trust in me.
So whatever existence is going to do to me will be absolutely accepted – even crucifixion. And it will not be like Jesus; he freaked out, he lost his trust in God for a moment.
It doesn’t matter whether you call it “God” or “existence.” Existence is more natural, more real. God is more symbolic, more metaphorical – you cannot prove it. Existence needs no proof, it is already here; we are part of it.
But for a moment Jesus lost his trust, and losing trust is losing all. He shouted toward the empty sky, “Father, have you forsaken me?” This one sentence of doubt, suspicion, distrust, is immensely significant. It shows that the trust was not total, that there was some expectation, maybe not conscious but there was an expectation that a miracle will happen and he will be saved. Nothing happened. And he had promised his disciples, “You will see what my father is going to do.”
This expectation that some miracle comes out of the sky, a hand comes out and takes him off the cross or changes the whole situation and he is no longer a beggar, a criminal, but is enthroned as an emperor, the prince of peace…. Nothing happened: he was dying just like the other criminal who had never thought of God, who had never prayed, who had committed every sin possible. That man was dying exactly in the same way as Jesus was dying. It seemed God was indifferent.
Hence in that sentence there is anger, frustration, failure – so much in those few words. Those few words cancel his whole life as a savior, as an awakened man.
Trust has no conditions; it is simply a gratitude, it is a thankfulness. If after all these experiences – loving moments, joyous, beautiful spaces – if crucifixion is the end, if that is the full point, it is perfectly okay; enjoy it.
I have always thought if Jesus could have thanked existence, then my whole appreciation of him would have been different – if he had rejoiced in crucifixion…because it is not for you to suggest what should happen; but whatever happens, enjoy in deep acceptance. That proves your integrity, your trust. And it is only in the moments when you are passing through fire…. When everything is going smooth and good, one can trust very easily; but to trust on a cross is a test.
If Jesus had trusted on the cross and had not raised that voice of questioning, doubting, suspecting, he would have been in the same category as Buddha. He missed. But one misses only if one is carrying something within that at some point, some crucial point, is going to come out.
Your question is relevant. Even my parents, neighbors, teachers, all felt puzzled for the simple reason that they could not categorize me. They knew all kinds of people but they could not categorize me.