That helps you, and gives you a little consolation that this situation is not your real nature. You were beautiful and good and wise – this is just like an accident, and it will pass. Another way you console yourself is by saying that in the future you will become wise, you will become enlightened; you will become this and that. These are the tricks of the mind – either to look at the past or the future, to avoid the present. But the present has to be dealt with. It has to be transformed.
So drop this thinking about the past, and drop thinking about the future. Just see the whole mess that you have created.
Nobody else is responsible either. That too is a trick. You go on thinking that your mother is responsible, that some man who goes on haunting you and influencing you from far-away Europe and who puts things in your mind, is responsible. These are tricks. Nobody can do that, nobody has that power. You are absolutely on your own.
These are ways to avoid responsibility – thinking the whole world is responsible except you. Suddenly you start feeling helpless – because you are not responsible, what can you do?
You are responsible, and everything can be done. Nobody has destroyed you. You have made a wrong choice, a misjudgment, that’s all. Nothing like a sin; it has just been a misjudgment. Nobody knows beforehand where one is moving. It is just like a puzzle, a riddle(.
But I always knew I was making a mistake, a wrong choice, but I thought it would make me more extraordinary.
Mm mm, so if one wants to be extraordinary one becomes mad, because only mad people are extraordinary. Sane people are just ordinary.
If you are fed up, just become ordinary. Relax, and become just an ordinary human being. It is beautiful to be ordinary. It is very ugly to be extraordinary, it is a sort of disease, an illness, and you can never relax in it.
What I see is that you may be fed up with the misery this trip to be extraordinary is bringing you, but you don’t want to change the goal. You would like all the benefits that an extraordinary person has, but you would like all the blessings that only an ordinary person can have. These two cannot go together. With extraordinariness, with ego, there are miseries. If you choose to be extraordinary, then accept those miseries. Madness will follow you like a shadow, and sooner or later it will crush you completely. Only the shadow will remain, you will disappear(
That’s what’s happening.
(Or, if you understand, drop this whole nonsense of being extraordinary. Become ordinary, and enjoy ordinary things. Let ordinariness be your religion. Eating, sleeping, sunshine, flowers, people, the marketplace – just be ordinary and enjoy these things. Then you will see that the shadow disappears.