When the totality is, no self is left – neither mine nor thine. And when the self is there, there is no totality. The self can only be a fragment; the self can only exist as a fragment. And the smaller the fragment, the better the self can exist. That’s why egoistic people go on becoming pettier and pettier, smaller and smaller.
The more egoistic a person is the meaner, mediocre and small he is. He has no space within himself. He cannot contain anything except his own ego. He is so small that only this small word I, is enough to fill his whole space.
The more you lose the ego, the more it becomes melting, merging, the bigger space you have. Of course, the ego is very definite. You can define it, you can pinpoint it, you can say, “This is me.” It has a certain clarity. The total is a very mysterious cloud. You cannot pinpoint it, you cannot indicate it: “This is it.” It is so big and it is spread all over. It is beginning-less, endless; it is infinite.
Unless one is ready to go into this mysterious chaos of the whole, one will not be able to take even a single step into it. It is dangerous for the ego, it is dangerous for your so-called intelligence. It is a mad love affair.
Unless you are in such a mad love affair with existence that you are ready to die for it, you will go on clinging to your small ego.
I have heard:
Two inmates of a mental asylum were trying to escape. They reached the outermost wall but were unable to climb over it. “What do we do now?” the first inmate asked.
“I know,” replied the second, “I will shine my torch up to the top of the wall. You climb up the beam of the torch to the top and then help me up.”
“Nothing doing,” replied the first, “I am not that crazy. I would only get half way up and you would turn off the light!”
To go into the whole, you will have to be that crazy. It is a death, it is a disappearance, it is risky, it is a gamble. You cannot know what is going to happen. You can only know what you are going to lose; you cannot know beforehand what you are going to gain. Unless you are tremendously courageous you will not take that step. It is jumping into an abyss and the abyss is bottomless.
But those who have jumped have arrived. The moment they died as separate egos they were resurrected as divine. To die as a drop, is the only way to become the ocean.
That’s what sannyas is all about – driving you crazy, helping to drop your so-called cleverness, intellectuality, knowledge. Sannyas is creating such an intense longing in you to die into existence. And that is possible only if you are not too much concerned about what is then going to happen. If you are not much concerned about the result, only then can you take the jump.