You are missing that privacy, that intimacy, when I was talking to only two persons, Devageet and you. And I have my own games to play. I had put you against Devageet – you are his dental nurse. I can experience whatever is happening, even under a high dose of laughing gas, and I used to remind Ashu again and again: “Don’t listen to Devageet. As far as this dental room is concerned, I am still your master.” Even with closed eyes…because they tried that too. They blindfolded me so I could not see what was going on, but I could see that the gas was not at the maximum. And I was beating Ashu continuously – “You are listening to Devageet!” Devageet stopped talking. He managed to give messages by signal.
It was a beautiful time, and many things that I would have never bothered to talk about, I talked about in the dental chair. I was creating difficulty for them – because how can you work inside the mouth when I am speaking? But my sensitivity is such that just a lower degree of gas and I would hit Ashu immediately. She was in a great difficulty…she has to listen to the doctor, but as far as I am concerned the doctor and the nurse both are my disciples. I have beaten Devageet so much that sometimes I feel sad about the poor fellow. He has been doing his best, but he was doing it according to his medical understanding. With me, things cannot be in any way ordinary.
Ashu has been here – as far as I am concerned there is no change. My love is as available to you, but because you are no more in that intimacy, where you were even put in charge of the doctor to take care that he did not interfere in whatever I wanted to do…It is against medical practice; the doctor should not listen to the patient. But here the situation is totally different – I am the doctor and you are the patient, it does not matter!
So just a little understanding, Ashu, and your stoniness will melt. I know you have a graceful heart, but because of your mind you are feeling almost a foreigner here. Drop all this nonsense. You are the same to me.
Even if people have betrayed me, my love for them remains the same because I had not given my love with any condition. People have lied about me, have written books with complete fictions, but my love for them still remains the same. All that I know is that they are unconscious people, and they don’t know what they are doing.
You have to be a little conscious. It is good that you asked the question. There is something more you have made part of your question which needs a totally different dimension of answer. You are saying, “As you greet us and again as you leave, you are pouring your energy on us. How come my body does not gracefully bow down to you? I know my heart does. Am I a rock among the waves?”
As for your own psychology, I have said everything that you needed. Relax – you will remain in my heart just as any sannyasin, with the same love, with the same compassion, because I don’t ask anything from you. I have such an abundance flowing that I don’t know what to do with it. I have to share.
But the second part of the question takes a totally different dimension. In a flowing river, a few rocks have their own beauty. A river without rocks loses sound. A river with rocks is a singing and dancing river. If your heart feels graceful, flowing, don’t be worried about a certain stony feeling in your body. That too has its own place. Rather than fighting with it, rejoice in it. You are not an ordinary river but a river that sings, a river that dances. Without rocks, rivers are very poor.