But the death that happens in a love affair with a master is absolute, irrevocable. It is a point of no return. You cannot go back, you cannot fall back to the old patterns again; that becomes impossible. You have to go on moving ahead. And, of course, the mind screams, “Stop, Osho!” But because I love you, I cannot stop. Because I love you, I have to kill you.
“Sweetheart,” gushed the ardent swain, “let me adore your lovely face and I will buy you a sable muff. Let me hold your hand and I will give you a red fox scarf. Let me kiss you and I will give you a mink cape. Let me….”
“Stop!” cried the girl. “That’s fur enough!”
Yes, Amitabh, many times you will scream, “That is far enough!” But I cannot stop. I am utterly helpless in that way. It is not within my hands to stop. I have to go on. The more you scream, the faster I have to go, so that soon the work is done.
Your screaming is coming from your mind. And your question is significant, because your heart is feeling deep joy and gratitude. Your mind is saying, “No, stop!” Your heart is saying, “Everything that is happening is a gift, the very gift that I needed to grow. A sense comes that all is possible. Thank you, beloved one.”
Two different layers, two different planes of your being – the head and the heart – both are expressed in your question. A part of you, the superficial part which is afraid of death – the ego, the mind – they are crying, begging, “Stop!” It is because of this superficial plane of your being that you have been escaping again and again from here.
Of course, the mind is very cunning and it tries to find excuses. If there are not any, it can invent. It is very much capable of managing. It can create illnesses in the body so that you don’t blame the mind. What can you do?
This has been happening to Amitabh for at least three years continuously. He comes, he comes with great love, and then the mind starts playing tricks. And the mind has been playing a really subtle trick on him: each time he comes he starts losing weight, and naturally a point comes when he becomes afraid that he is losing so much weight he has to go back.
This is a mind trick. If you become aware of it this time, the mind will not be able to do it. And the excuse is such that nobody can blame you, you cannot blame yourself. It is natural: when the body starts losing weight you have to go.
There is no visible reason why his body should lose weight, because Amitabh remains a vegetarian in America and here too he is a vegetarian. Even people who are nonvegetarians in the West and come here and become vegetarians don’t lose weight. So a vegetarian coming to India will not lose weight. There is no reason. The doctors cannot find any reason at all. It is something in the mind. It is a trick of the mind, a subtle strategy.