Inside, there is something that I cannot look at: I can only be it. And then I am at the center of experiencing my mind, my body, and what comes to my senses.
This feels ecstatic, yet is very subtle, and easily disappears when I again identify with what is experienced. Is this my mind entering by a back door, or am I going in the right direction?
The experience that you are going through happens to everyone when he first comes into contact with his being. Our whole experience of the past is of identification. When you are full of anger, you don’t say, “I see anger in my mind,” you say “I am angry.” In fact you are not angry; you are just a watcher. The anger is on the screen of the mind.
But identification is the greatest spiritual disease. We get very easily identified because for centuries that has been our habit. So when for the first time you get out of identification, you become centered, naturally you cannot see your being, just as you cannot see your eyes.
To see your eyes you need a mirror and to see your being you need a master, or someone who is already totally centered. In his presence you may be able to see reflected – just as in a mirror things are reflected – your being. But you cannot see your being directly.
I have been telling you many functions of the master. This is one of the most subtle and perhaps the last function. The master is already settled. You are wavering: one moment you are at the center: then you can see your body and your mind and your thoughts and feelings. There is a gap between you and your body-mind system. But the gap is very small and very fresh, and the habit of being identified is very old and very strong.
So one moment you feel you are the being…but the very desire to see the being disturbs the whole thing. You cannot see it. You need a mirror to see it – and no ordinary mirror will do. You need a mirror of consciousness. And then too you will not be seeing your being, just the reflection of it. In a completely settled and silent lake of consciousness, of somebody, you may be able to have a reflection of your being.
But to try to see your being alone is not possible. It is just not in the nature of things. You can be the being – you are the being. You can experience the ecstasy of there, at the very center; you can feel immense joy, fulfillment, contentment. But the moment the desire to see it arises, you have already slipped out of it. You have come back into the mind – and because the gap is very small you will not even be aware when you are slipping.
But it is a tremendously significant experience that you are going through. If the gap is small today, tomorrow it may be bigger. If the gap has already happened, the day is not far away when the desire to see yourself will disappear. You will simply be yourself, full of ecstasy. And as you become centered, everything else – your body, your mind, your thoughts – go on becoming farther away from you. Just a little patience, and just a little awareness….